The Day Roger Quit Fanfics
by x Rajah x
Summary: COMPLETE! I'm not doing ONE MORE FANFIC! A humorous look into the possibility of Roger quitting fanfics... forever? Basically a parody of the RENT libretto that pokes fun at the RENT fandom and random non-canon pairings. R&R, please!
1. How We Gonna Deal?

Title: The Day Roger Quit Fanfics  
Rating: T  
Genre: Humor/Parody  
Summary: "I'm not doing one more FANFIC!" A humorous look into the horrific possibility of Roger quitting fanfics...forever[Basically a parody libretto making fun of the RENT fandom.

Notes: Gosh, what a weird plot bunny. Ah, no matter. Hope you enjoy it anyway. Written on a whim, like most of my stuff. Oh, and PLEASE REVIEW!

_**ALSO: THIS FIC IS NOT A DIRECT ATTACK ON ANY PARTICULAR FANFIC/AUTHOR. IT MAKES FUN OF EVERYONE. DON'T BE OFFENDED, THE RENTIES ARE JUST WANTING CANON! THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA, SO DON'T MISINTERPRET. IT'S BECAUSE THE RENTIES ANGRY (WITH CANON IN MIND) ABOUT OUR FANDOM. IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY. HARDY-HAR-HAR, ALRIGHT?**_

What's Good: I already have a lot of this written. And cookies. Cookies are good.

What's Bad: When a polar bear lumbers up your front walkway, pees on your doormat, rings the doorbell and runs away laughing.

-----------

First we see Roger Davis, carrying his ever-present guitar, striding swiftly into the loft, casually yet pointedly plugging his instrument into a guitar amp nearby.

Because of course, when Roger's frustrated, angry, depressed, angsty, pissed at the entire world and existence in general, hungry, moody, having a bad hair day, PMSing, or otherwise emotionally distressed, he plays his guitar. This is a common knowledge in the RENT fic universe.

Blowing a sad sigh past his lips, Roger plays several chords, quite depressed at the monotony of constant guitar playing. He then pauses, hearing the approach of another fic character.

Mark Cohen, looking slightly flustered, bustles into the room, with his trusty camera cemented in his fingers. The two men glance at each other, engaging in a silent exchange of thoughts and feelings, before Mark sets down his things and unwinds the stripedly-striped scarf from around his neck.

The paler man turns and narrates into the camera.

**MARK:**  
We begin on a cold, angsty night. A Monday... in November, if that matters. My name is Marky and I come from the Shire. This here is my incredibly people-oriented roommate, Roger. We live in this tiny, grimy little shithole in between fanfics. It actually has no real location on the site or anywhere in its database. I'm not allowed to tell you where it is, or the site's proctors will torch it. With us inside. Yeah, ouch. It's not much... but it serves as is our home in-between fanfics... in which we spend most of our time. When we fail to receive so much as a quick potty break, we are most likely involved in said fanfiction. Fanfiction is just as terrible as it sounds... and day after day, night after night, we are subjected to tortures such as cliches, Mary Sues, smut, slash, and other cruel forms of entertainment for extremely bored fanfic writers. Some examples of this...fanfic are too horrible to speak of, as some authors squelch all that we love and know beneath the click-clack of their keyboards. We live in this tiny obscure, middle of nowhere somewhere land... and here we remain. When not taking part in some twisted freak puppet show that some tweenager has dreamed up, waiting for what daunting plot bunnies live ahead..."

There is a solemn air about the somewhere-place, and then, our friend Mark put on an incredibly fake smile. "Say cheese!!!"

**MARK:**  
STUCK IN THIS MULTI-CHAPTERED  
VERSION OF HELL  
WILL NEVER BREAK FREE  
FOREVER SUBJECTED TO  
THE AUTHOR'S WHIMS  
SEE WHAT THEY'LL COME UP  
WITH FOR US THIS TIME!  
FIRST CHAPTER: ROGER, DECIDING TO MOVE  
TO AFRICA AND LIVE AMONG THE BABOONS!

**ROGER:**  
SHOOT ME NOW.

**MARK:**  
(to Roger) IT'LL BE DONE SOON...  
THE STORY'S JUST COME BACK  
AFTER TWO MONTHS OF  
WRITER'S BLOCK!

**ROGER:**  
THERE'S MONKEY SHIT ALL OVER ME!

**MARK:**  
(shrug) WEAR A SMOCK!  
ARE YOU READY?  
CHAPTERS FLOWING STEADY  
CHAPTER TWO: MONKEYS SMOTHER ROGER!

**ROGER:**  
I'M NOT DOING ONE MORE FIC!

**MARK:**  
(doesn't believe this claim, turns to check the email alert system)  
AN UPDATE!

**ROGER:**  
SHYYTTT.  
**  
MARK:**  
CHAPTER THREE:  
MY SCARF GETS STUCK UP IN A TREE!

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**  
THAT WAS SUCH A LONG WEEK  
LET'S GO AND WRITE SOME MORE FANFICS  
MARK, ROGER, ARE YOU THERE?  
WANT TO BE IN OUR FICS? IT'S US!  
FIRST LET US JUST SAY WE FUCKING LOVE YOU  
AND WE'RE SORRY ABOUT ALL THE SLASH FICS  
WE'VE ORDERED YOU TWO  
PSYCHOTHERAPY...(OUT OF LOVE)  
OH AND ROGER, DEAR, BE CAREFUL OF THE MONKEYS  
DON'T PROVOKE THEM, HUN, THEY'LL ONLY GET MORE MAD!  
OH AND MARK, WE'RE SORRY THAT WE ALWAYS MAKE  
YOU HOOK UP WITH RANDOM OCS  
WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT  
AND WE'VE GOT NOWHERE TO BE... (FOR THREE HOURS!)

**MARK:**  
CHAPTER FOUR: MONKEYS CLOBBER ROGER!

**ROGER:**  
(depressed, frustrated, and bruised)  
I'M NOT DOING ONE MORE FANFIC!

**MARK:**  
AN UPDATE!  
**  
ROGER:**  
DAMN IT.

**MARK:**  
(sarcastic) OH JOY.

**COLLINS:**  
(enters, looking cheerful yet confused) FIC TIME: ANGEL LIVES!

**MARK AND ROGER:**  
HOW?

**COLLINS:**  
(shrugs) WHO FUCKING CARES?

**MARK:**  
HM... (ponders this)

**COLLINS:**  
(having overheard them) ROGER'S QUITTING FANFICS?!!!  
**  
MARK:**  
(fake despair) OH WOE IS ME!

**COLLINS:**  
(annoyed) GO FUCK AN OC.

**MARK:**  
(scowls, but then continues)  
A COLLINSJOANNE FIC HAS JUST BEEN UPDATED!

**COLLINS:**  
I WANT TO BE SEDATED. (exits)

**MARK:**  
DON'T YOU MEAN DETONATED?

**BENNY:**  
(enters) HELLO, HOMIES!

**MARK AND ROGER:**  
(startled by his appearance) BENNY! (drop what they're holding, which is, of course the camera and guitar.) SHIT.

**BENNY:**  
(joyfully) I'M IN A FIC!

**MARK AND ROGER:**  
(shocked) HOLY FUCK.

**BENNY:**  
(extremely happy) A FULL-LENGTH FIC!

**MARK:**  
WHAT AUTHOR?

**BENNY:**  
SOME TAYE DIGGS FAN WITH A DESIRE  
TO NOT MAKE ME AN ASS!

**MARK:**  
(looks dubious) AN ASS? YOU?  
**  
ROGER:**  
IT'S NOT SOME SMUTTY SEX FIC?  
**  
MARK:**  
EW, LIKE THAT ONE FIC...  
**  
ROGER:**  
REMEMBER, IN THE M CATEGORY...?  
**  
BENNY:**  
(looks sick) OH, HOW COULD I FORGET...? YOU... ME...  
COLLINS, AND MAUREEN (shudders)  
HOW IS THE DRAMA QUEEN?

**MARK:**  
IN ANOTHER PREGNANCY FIC.

**BENNY:**  
COULD'VE GUESSED. STILL IN THAT  
POST-RENT ROMANCE FIC WITH HER?

**MARK:**  
(shakes head) TWO DAYS AGO IT WAS BUMPED.

**BENNY:**  
(nods understandingly) SOME DIE-HARD MOJO SHIPPER?  
**  
MARK:**  
(nods) YESTERDAY I GOT... JUMPED.

**ROGER:**  
(exclaims) IT WAS FUNNY!

**BENNY:**  
(laughs and nods) THE AUTHOR CHOOSE A NEW FANDOM?  
**  
MARK:**  
(looks embarrassed) WELL...KINDA.

**BENNY:**  
(looks scornful) OH, WHICH ONE?

**MARK AND ROGER:**  
(dismayed) BATMAN.

**BENNY:**  
(laughs) WELL, I'VE GOT A NEW CHAPTER TO DO  
IN WHICH I'LL APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A JERK TO YOU  
AND LEAVE ALISON TOO.  
**  
ROGER:**  
(plays Musetta's Waltz, as always.)

**MARK:**  
ANOTHER UPDATE!

(There is a brief interlude in which Roger and Mark angst quietly. Then...)

**MARK:**  
HOW DO YOU STAY SANE IN THIS  
WHEN MORE AND MORE FANFICS  
ARE BORN EACH DAY?  
CRACKFICS, SLASHFICS, MARK'S ON SMACK FICS!  
AND PIECE-OF-CRAPFICS... TO MY DISMAY!  
SHIT!

**ROGER:**  
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY STAY IN CHARACTER  
WHEN SOME TEENAGE GIRL MAKES YOU  
SQUEAL AND SQUEE?  
WHEN THE FLUFF IS STRANGLING  
THE CUTENESS IS MANGLING  
YOUR SANITY WITH UNTAMED GLEE?  
**  
MARK:**  
AND WE'RE FORCED INTO SLASH FICS

**ROGER:**  
JUST FOR THEIR FUCKING KICKS!

**BOTH:**  
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... HOW WE GONNA...HEAL?  
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... WITH THIS SHIT?!!!!

**MARK:**  
(disgusted) THEY'RE LIKE VANDALS!  
**  
ROGER:**  
HOW DO YOU SURVIVE A SLASH FIC  
WHEN YOU AREN'T EVEN GAY  
AND YOUR "PARTNER" IS THIS...(points to Mark) PALE ASS JEW?

**MARK:**  
HOW CAN YOU WATCH MAUREEN CHEAT  
WEEK AFTER WEEK...

**BOTH:**  
AND GET KNOCKED UP TOO?

**MARK:**  
YOU ENTER HALF OF THESE FICCYS

**ROGER:**  
AND COME OUT WITH HICKEYS.  
**  
BOTH:**  
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... HOW WE GONNA...HEAL?  
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... WITH THIS SHIT?!!!!

**JOANNE:**  
OH HEEEY, MAUREEN, IT'S ME, JOANNE!  
YOUR BORING ASS LAWYER GIRLFRIEND!  
HOWDY, SEXY! ...A NEW FIC?!!!  
AW... ANOTHER MARKMAUREEN?  
I'M GONNA THROW UP  
I'M GONNA THROW UP!  
MY FANFIC'S ON DELAY  
...NOT WRITER'S BLOCK EXACTLY  
THERE IS ONE UPDATE FOR  
A COLLINSJOANNE FIC...  
... THAT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SICK!

**COLLINS:**  
HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING GAY  
TO LOVING A WOMAN  
WHO'S SUPPOSED TO LOVE GIRLS...  
AND THE FIC IS... FLUFF?  
"ONE BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY..."  
TOO FUCKING CLICHE  
AUTHOR'S GETTING CARRIED AWAY... AND  
OH! THAT'S... ENOUGH!

**MARK:**  
YOU GET MUGGED?  
**  
COLLINS:**  
(shakes head sadly) I NEED A HUG. (Roger obliges.)

**MARK AND ROGER:**  
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... HOW WE GONNA...HEAL?  
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... WITH THIS SHIT?!!!!  
**  
BENNY:**  
ALISON, BABY, YOU SHOULD BE GLAD  
I'M FINALLY IN A FIC! AFTER ALL MY WORK  
EVER SINCE THE OBC... THE FANGIRLS LEFT ME HURT  
THEY NEVER SQUEE FOR ME...  
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A BACK-STABBING JERK?

**MARK:**  
(summarizing a fic) COLLINS ACCIDENTALLY  
LIGHTS HIS BEANIE ON FIRE!

**JOANNE:**  
MAUREEN- I DON'T LIKE GUYS!

**ROGER:**  
(also summarizing a fic) MAUREEN BREAKS UP WITH  
MARK BECAUSE OF THE SMELL OF HIS... PITS!  
**  
JOANNE:**  
I'VE NEVER LIKED GUYS AT ALL!

**MARK:**  
FROM HUMOR, TO ANGST AND ROMANCE  
TO THEM ALL...!  
**  
MARK AND ROGER:**  
WHAT IF WE STOPPED HEEDING THE AUTHOR'S CALL?

**MARK:**  
(picks up phone) Hello? Maureen?  
Another Pre-RENT MarkMo fic?  
Ok! Alright, I'll go!

**ROGER:**  
(scoffs) 

**BOTH:**  
HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE FICS BEHIND  
WHEN THE AUTHORS HAVE YOU IN THEIR VICE-LIKE GRIPS?  
WHEN YOU WORK FOR HOURS... WHATEVER THEY SAY  
AND EVEN TURN GAY... WITHOUT TIPS? SHIT!  
HOW CAN YOU CONNECT IN A FIC  
WHERE EVERYTHING THAT'S CANON  
IS SO TERRIBLY BETRAYED...?  
WHAT HOLDS THE DATABASE TOGETHER  
WHEN THE MARKROGERS AND THE OTHERS  
GO TO WAR EVERYDAY?  
**  
BENNY:**  
(confused) NOW I'M GETTING MOBBED BY SQUIRRELS... ?  
(disappointed) THAT I WISH WERE FANGIRLS!

**ROGER: **  
GET YOUR CAMERA AND RUN!

**MARK: **  
(mocks escape) HA, HAVE FUN!

**BOTH:**   
WHEN THEY BREAK OUT THE ABSURD...IN THE FORM OF WORDS!  
**  
ROGER:**  
I AM DONE.

**MARK:**  
YOU ARE DONE...?

**ROGER:**  
I AM DONE... WITH THIS... SHIT! I WON'T BE IN ONE MORE FIC.

**MARK AND ROGER:**  
QUITTING FANFICS! CANNOT DEAL WITH IT!

**ROGER:**  
I WON'T BE IN ANY MORE FICS...  
I WON'T BE IN ONE MORE... FIC!!!!!

**-----**

GASP, ROGER QUIT FANFICS. XD

Ok, so I'm already written pretty far into this. I'm waiting on responses, because if you all hate it, I'll stop.

Also, if I do continue, I'm doing this thing later, including some die-hard Roger fans in the story that are mourning the loss of Roger from the fandom.

I've already asked a couple people, but I need SIX more:

I need... SIX PEOPLE.

You may tell me through review or whatever if you are a Roger fan that would love to be in it. The first six I get are in.

Otherwise, there shall be labels... Like... Roger Fan Number Five.

Haha. So if you LIKE it, the next one will obviously start with You Okay, Honey?

REVIEWS???!!! PLEASE!


	2. Ben & Jerry's & Foot Massages

Oh my God, wow!

I was actually nervous about this one, thinking that it wasn't funny enough or something along those lines... but what an amazing turnout of responses! Thank you, everybody!!

Since I already have a lot written, and the RENT libretto is only so long, (XD) I decided to grant you all an update. And You Okay, Honey? is such a short song that extended the chapter to include more. It will be You Okay, Honey?, Tune Up # 3, One Song Glory, and Light My Candle. XD

ALSO: I have received some responses about the Roger fan requests. Here's who I have: Stephanie Pascal, GrapeTheApe, Angel Dumott Schunard Collins, Ginger Glinda, NaKeva Rapp Cullen, and SiriusLovesRent. I need... TWO MORE!!!

With that in mind, here's the next installment. Enjoy...

--------

Now we see Angel and Collins, two other fanfic characters, lounging in the "middle of nowhere somewhere land."

**ANGEL:  
**(reassurring and loving) IT'LL BE OKAY, HONEY...

**COLLINS:**  
(depressed) I DON'T THINK SO...

**ANGEL:**  
(shakes head) THEY THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

**COLLINS:**  
(takes breath) NO. THEY'RE FUCKING SERIOUS.  
I'M THINK ROGER WAS RIGHT...  
(exclaims sadly) THAT FIC WAS CRUEL TO ME!  
(Angel kisses him)  
THANKS.

**ANGEL:**  
HONEY, YOU'VE STILL GOT ME  
IN FIC HELL

**COLLINS:**  
FIC HELL...? INDEED.  
FIC HELL WHERE THE BAD FICS BREED.  
(dreamily, yet deliriously) AUTHORS NEED TO WRITE MORE  
ANGELCOLLINS, AND... ROGERMIMI...

**ANGEL:**  
(interrupting) LET'S GET SOME BEN AND JERRY'S  
THAT ALWAYS HELPS ME, WHEN FICS  
TORTURE ME TO NO END AND I NEED  
AN ESCAPE... FROM THE ENDLESS SPEWING  
OF MARKANGEL FICTION IN THE DATABASE!

**COLLINS:**  
(thinking) THAT SOUNDS... FINE.

**ANGEL:**  
HONEY, YOU'RE STILL MINE  
FORGET THE FICS, YOU LIKE DICKS  
THOSE AUTHORS, THEY SUCK! (hugs him)

**COLLINS:**  
(woefully) BUT MY FICS ARE WAITING...

**ANGEL:**  
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.  
THE MORE THE MERRIER?  
OH NO...NO! CAN'T WE JUST... GO?!!!

(Collins and Angel exit the "somewhere land" briefly to find frozen desserts.)

But back with Roger and Marky of the Shire...

**ROGER:**  
(in disdain) WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

**MARK:**  
(bluntly) PRERENT MARKMO.

**ROGER:**  
PFFTT. HAVE FUN.

**MARK:**  
(venturing) I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D LIKE TO TEND TO YOUR UPDATES? (Roger shrugs sadly) THEY'RE PILING UP...

**ROGER:**  
(repeats) I'M NOT DOING ONE MORE FANFIC.

**MARK:**  
SUIT YOURSELF. (is surprised when he realizes Roger is serious) PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FLIP! (turns to audience) CLOSE ON ROGER, HIS NAME JUST DISAPPEARED FROM THE DROP-DOWN CHARACTER LIST, FANGIRLS WANT TO SLIT THEIR WRISTS IN THEIR BATHROOMS! (speaking softly) I'LL COME BACK LATER, WHEN THE FIC IS OVER. THEY'LL DRAG YOU BACK IN... JUST ONE FIC, ROGER? (exits)

He leaves Roger, alone in the somewhere land.

**ROGER:**  
(ranting sadly) ONE FIC - SHITTY.  
ONE FIC - FLUFF, SLASH OR SMUT.  
SHITTY - FICS THAT FUCK WITH MY MIND  
FIND - ONE FIC - ONE REALISTIC FIC - NOT SHITTY  
FROM AN AUTHOR THAT UNDERSTANDS  
WE'RE NOT TOYS AND I DON'T LIKE BOYS  
ONE FIC - I HAD TO FUCK MAUREEN  
SHITTY - IN ONE, I WAS A GAY BOY  
A GAY BOY - REALLY SHITTY  
BEYOND THE POINT OF BEING SICK  
ONE FIC - NON-CANON MINDSET  
SHITTY - MADE TO RUIN ALL OUR LIVES!  
FINGERS FLY... RENT DIES!  
SHITTY! ONE FIC SO SHITTY!  
ONE FIC SO... SHITTY! SHITTY!  
FIND - ONE FIC, ONE FIC THAT RINGS TRUE  
TRUTH TO WHAT JONATHAN MADE US...  
ALONE ON THE SITE, FIND- ONE FIC  
A FIC ABOUT TRUE LOVE - COLLINSANGEL,  
OR ONE IN WHICH I DON'T FUCK A MAN  
FUCK A MAN...FIND - ONE FIC - BEFORE  
MARKROGER TAKES HOLD, ONE FIC- ONE FIC GLORY.  
ONE FIC - TO REDEEM THIS ROTTING FANDOM  
FINGERS FLY... THERE'S NO NEED TO ENDURE ANYMORE  
FUCKING GUYS!

(There is a knock on the door to the "somewhere land" room, Roger gets up and answers, finding his girlfriend Mimi, looking disgruntled.)

**ROGER:**  
(angsting) WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

**MIMI:**  
(moodily) ANOTHER FIC.

**ROGER:**  
WHAT KIND OF FIC? YOU... LOOK RATHER GREEN. (steadies her)

**MIMI:**  
IT WAS JUST ANOTHER MARKMAUREEN, BUT THEN THE AUTHOR THREW ME IN BETWEEN. (Roger scowls) WOULD YOU GET ME CHOCOLATE? (notices him scowling) WHAT ARE YOU ANGSTING ABOUT?

**ROGER:**  
NOTHING - I'M DONE WITH FANFICTION. I BET THEY MISS ME. (Mimi nods solemnly as Roger finds a chocolate bar for her and hands it over) CAN YOU EAT THIS?

**MIMI:**  
THEY HAVEN'T WRITTEN MUCH TODAY, BUT THAT LAST FIC MADE ME NAUSEOUS ANYWAY. (Roger is scowling) WHAT?

**ROGER:**  
NOTHING, YOUR CHOCOLATE IS TAUNTING ME...

**MIMI:**  
(hands him a piece) YOU'RE DONE WITH FANFICTION NOW? SO SUDDENLY?

**ROGER:**  
I SNAPPED. ASK MARK ABOUT IT.

**MIMI:**  
(throws candy bar wrapper) WE'RE OUT AGAIN. WILL THIS MADNESS NEVER END? (sighs, the stress getting to her) WOULD YOU MASSAGE MY FEET? (She throws off her shoes)

**ROGER:**  
(rubs her foot) WELL...

**MIMI:**  
(sighs) YEAH? (suddenly a chime sounds through the place) OH!

**ROGER:**  
OH, AN UPDATE. (checks it out) IT'S...

**MIMI:**  
(comes up behind him to look) MIMIMAUREEN! I HATE IT WHEN THEY...

**ROGER:**  
(finishes for her) DO THAT? (She nods) I FIGURED. OH WELL, HAVE FUN!

**MIMI:**  
(stomps angrily off)

A few minutes later, there is a knock again. Roger answers the door.

**ROGER:**  
YOU'RE DONE ALREADY?

**MIMI:**  
YEAH... MAUREEN WENT BACK TO MARK.

**ROGER:**  
(changes subject) I KNOW I SAW SOME OTHER CHOCOLATE SOMEWHERE, WHEN I WAS FIXING MY HAIR... (points) OVER THERE.

**MIMI:**  
(laughs at him dryly, then searches area desperately) THIS IS STRESSFUL, I SWEAR IF THERE'S ONE MORE FIC TODAY...(stops mid-thought) I SAY, MY HAIR IS TURNING GRAY!

**ROGER:**  
(shocked) GRAY??!!!!

**MIMI:**  
(still looking) THE FANFIC AUTHORS LIKE TO KILL ME OFF AND HAVE YOU fk MARK, (angry and hurt) IT WON'T DO!

**ROGER:**  
(dryly) HA.

**MIMI:**  
(haughtily) DON'T LAUGH AT ME!

**ROGER:**  
OH NO, I MEAN, THAT SUCKS... I'M SORRY. (Mimi frowns, and Roger hurriedly adds) I MEAN... YOU WANT THAT MASSAGE?

**MIMI:**  
(sighs) I DOUBT I'LL HAVE THE TIME.

**ROGER:**  
... ONLY IF THEY CALL YOU AWAY FOR ANOTHER FIC...

**MIMI:**  
HAVE YOU SEEN THE PILE OF EMAIL ALERTS BEGGING FOR YOU? THE ROGER FANGIRLS ARE GETTING QUITE BLUE. HELP ME LOOK!

**ROGER:**  
(starts to look) YES! BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

**MIMI:**  
YOU'RE NOT FORGIVING.  
**  
ROGER:**  
YOU EXPECT ME TO BE? MOST OF THEIR FANFICS SUCK!

**MIMI:**  
(gives up and flops onto couch) YOU COULD MASSAGE ME FEET THEN... (dreamily) OH, I WISH I HAD SOME CHOCOLATE!

**ROGER:**  
(suggesting mildly) WHY DON'T YOU FORGET FANFICTION? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE EXHAUSTED.

**MIMI:**  
I'LL BE FINE. AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT, EVEN IF I WERE TO TRY!

**ROGER:**  
I GOT OUT, AND ALL I DID WAS TRY. I USED TO BE STRESSED LIKE THAT...

**MIMI:**  
(insists) I WILL BE FINE, I TOLD YOU!

**ROGER:**  
I WANTED TO DIE.

**MIMI:**  
(sighs again) IT IS GETTING OLD...

**ROGER:**  
UH-HUH, I USED TO DREAM OF ESCAPE!

**MIMI:**  
WELL NOW AND THEN I LIKE TO...

**ROGER:**  
UH HUH!

**MIMI:**  
(finishing with a small sigh)... TAKE A BREAK.

**ROGER:**  
(hears email alert chime) OH, HERE!

**MIMI:**  
(sadly) WHAT IS IT?  
**  
ROGER:**  
(checks it out, then, with relief, announces) OH, MOJO ROMANCE...

**MIMI:**  
I COULD TAKE A BREAK! (excitedly) I'M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK!

**ROGER:**  
(sits beside her) I GUESS THAT ONE WAS THE LAST.

**MIMI:**  
I GUESS I'LL JUST THANK GOD I'M NOT FUCKING MAUREEN...

**ROGER:**  
MAYBE THAT WAS YOUR LAST OF THE DAY. I HEAR NO EMAIL ALERTS NOW. (just after he says this, an email alert chimes)

**MIMI:**  
OH FUCK... OH FUCK.

**ROGER:**  
(checks) YOUR UPDATE.

**MIMI:**  
(says pointedly) YOURS TOO. LOOKS LIKE... A MARKROGER... ROMANCE.  
**  
ROGER:**  
(confused) WITH YOU?

**MIMI:**  
YES, THEY KILL ME OFF.  
**  
ROGER:**  
(refuses, flopping back onto couch) COUGHSTUPIDCOUGH.

**MIMI:**  
(sighs) WHY CAN'T THEY, WHY WON'T THEY, LEAVE ME BE?!!! (gives in, and leaves)

(Roger scoffs, for he knows the fic cannot happen without him.)

--------

Unfortunately, that probably wasn't that funny. My personal favorite installment are the first one I put up, and some that have yet to come, like my version of Tango: Maureen.

So bear with me.

Reviews?

And remember, I need two more Roger fan volunteers!!!!


	3. PreRENT MarkMaureen & Fanfic Disgust

HOW MUCH DID I LOVE YOUR REVIEWS!  
So much. They reminded me of my Berkeley days. Fighting the good fight. KUDOS, KUDOS!

Um, I mean, thanks, guys. You all rock.

This installment is Voicemail # 2 through Tango: Maureen. After this, I don't know how soon I can update, as I have not worked much farther past this point. 

My last two Roger fans, by the way, (the first two requests I got after the second call) are: GirlintheMirror121 and OneSong05.

ENJOY!

----------

(Still, as always, trapped in the somewhere land.)

**Maureen's Voice (answering machine):** Hi. You've reached the MoJo section of Fanfic Somewhere Land. Sorry but we're probably off fucking each other in the _M _rated section or being tortured in some other fanfic. But we'll be back eventually... don't forget my protest about Fanfics tonight at midnight. Party at the Life afterward! (BEEP)  
**  
FANFIC AUTHOR # 1:**  
WELL, MAUREEN NOW I'M PISSED  
I NEED SOMEONE TO BE SLUTTY IN MY FIC  
AND YOU'RE GONE, I TRIED YOU IN THE M  
SECTION BUT APPARENTLY YOU'RE FUCKING  
MARK OR SOMETHING.

**FANFIC AUTHOR # 2:**  
REMIND JOANNE THAT SHE'S DUE IN MY MARKJOANNE ROMANCE IN TWO DAYS!

**FANFIC AUTHOR # 3:**  
I'M GOING TO WRITE A FIC IN WHICH MOJO BREAKS UP  
AND GETS BACK TOGETHER FIFTY TIMES. IT'LL BE UP ON THE SITE IN  
TWO WEEKS... UNLESS I GET FLAMED.  
**  
FANFIC AUTHOR # 2:**  
TWO DAYS!

**FANFIC AUTHOR #1:**  
OH YEAH, AND MAUREEN? MIMI'S GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ROGER IN MY NEXT FIC, AND THEN YOU ARE GOING TO GET WITH HIM. I'LL NEED YOU - ALONE - A DAY BEFOREHAND.

**FANFIC AUTHOR #2:**  
JOANNE!

**FANFIC AUTHOR #3:**  
AH, BUT I CAN'T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRIT, I'M ALREADY NERVOUS!

**FANFIC AUTHOR #2:**  
TWO DAYS, JO!  
**  
FANFIC AUTHOR # 3:**  
FOR ROGER'S SAKE, MAUREEN, COME DRESSED IN SKIMPY CLOTHES, AND BRING CONDOMS. OH, AND JOANNE...

**FANFIC AUTHOR # 2:**  
TWOOO DAAAAYYYSS!

Back in the Somewhere Land section we left Roger in, Mark is back, and in comes Collins, carrying Ben and Jerry's.

**MARK:**  
ENTER TOM COLLINS, FANFIC EXTRAORDINAIRE, WHO HAS JUST RETURNED AFTER HIS CHAPTER OF FROLICKING NAKED WITH JOANNE!  
**  
MARK &COLLINS:**  
(as Collins makes a face and Mark examines the ice cream, looking excited) STRAWBERRY, VANILLA, AND MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! A PINT OF PEACH ICE CREAM WILL TASTE SO GOOD!

**COLLINS:**  
AND FUDGE IS GOOD!  
**  
MARK:**  
COLLINS, I LOVE YOU.

**COLLINS:**  
(putting a hand up) DON'T GO THERE.

**ROGER:**  
(meekly) OH HI.  
**  
COLLINS:**  
"OH HI" AFTER SEX WITH JOANNE?

**ROGER:**  
(sympathetically) SORRY.

**COLLINS:**  
THIS BOY COULD USE SOME COOKIE DOUGH! (fishes through cartons of ice cream and hands Roger one.)

**COLLINS, MARK & ROGER:**  
OH HOLY FUCK...

**ROGER:**  
HOW WAS THAT FANFIC, GEE?  
**  
COLLINS:**  
THEY HAD ME FUCK JOANNE AND THEN DUMP HER SO QUICKLY, AND I'LL SOON DEPART TO VISIT ANGEL'S GRAVE AND BEG HER TO FORGIVE ME. STILL HAVEN'T BEEN IN A FANFIC?

**ROGER:**  
I'M DONE WITH ALL THAT, DON'T YOU KNOW?  
**  
COLLINS:**  
WELL, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT- ALL OF THESE FANFICS ARE SHIT, BUT WHERE ELSE DO WE GO?  
**  
ROGER:**  
BEN AND JERRY'S!  
**  
COLLINS:**  
GENTLEMEN, I REALLY DO BELIEVE... THAT THE ONLY FORM OF TRUE HEARTFELT RELIEF , BECAUSE AUTHORS WILL NEVER GIVE US A REST, ... IS ICE CREAM, CHOCOLATE AND SEX!

**ANGEL:**  
(enters, wearing cartons of ice cream and chocolate, then proclaims) TODAY: CANON! TOMORROW: RANDOM!

**COLLINS:**  
(rolls eyes) AND YOU SHOULD READ HER FICS.

**MARK:**  
(knowingly) IS ANGEL DATING CHICKS?

**ANGEL:**  
(snorts) T'WAS MY LUCKY DAY TODAY WHEN I HEARD A FANFIC AUTHOR SAY..."HEY ANGEL I NEED YOU FOR A FIC, COME MY WAY." I SAID, "DARLING, YOU'RE A DEAR... BUT DON'T MAKE ME DRINK A SHITLOAD OF BEER AND MAKE MY FEELINGS FOR MEN COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR!" TODAY: CANON, TOMORROW: RANDOM, TODAY: CANON, TOMORROW RANDOM! WE AGREED ON A TITLE, SOMETHING CLICHE AND OVERUSED, NO MUSE! AND A BONUS: I WOULD FUCK... MIMI! NOW WHO COULD FORETELL THAT IT WOULD GO SO "WELL"? FOR WHEN IT HIT CHAPTER THREE, I WAS SAYING "WHAT THE HELL?" YES IN THAT CHAPTER, MIMI, IN ALL HER GLORY, MY BESTEST FRIEND IN ALMOST EVERY OTHER STORY... WAS NAKED AS COULD BE AND SO WAS I! EVEN THOUGH I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT I ONLY LIKED GUYS! TODAY: CANON, TOMORROW: RANDOM, TODAY : CANON, TOMORROW: RANDOM!

(There is a brief interlude in which Angel stuffs mouthfuls of the comfort food into her mouth, the story obviously difficult to tell. Then, she begins to dance.)  
**  
ANGEL:**  
ONCE I GOT FREE, I MET MY BABY, WHO WAS CRYING ABOUT HOW HE DIDN'T GET TO FUCK ME... I TOOK HIM TO GET FOOD, AND SOON HIS MOOD WENT FROM DULL TO BRIGHT AND HE CAN AGREE! SING IT...TODAY: CANON, TOMORROW: RANDOM, TODAY: CANON,TOMOOOORRRRROOOOOOOWWWWWWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA: RANDOM!  
**  
COLLINS, MARK, and ROGER:**  
(polite applause)

(Once again, in the somewhere land, this time, with Benny, Mark, Roger, Collins, and Angel.)

**BENNY:**  
(enters cheerily, singing) JOY TO THE WORLD...(pauses)  
HEY, YOU, YOU AUTHOR, YEAH YOU,  
WAIT A TICK, DON'T YOU WANT BENNY  
IN YOUR FIC?  
**  
MARK:**  
THAT ATTITUDE TOWARD THE FANFICS  
IS EXACTLY WHAT ROGER AND  
MAUREEN ARE PROTESTING...  
**  
BENNY:**  
(scoffs) THEY ARE PROTESTING  
NOT GETTING TO FUCK WHO  
THEY WANT... NOT THE AUTHORS.

**ROGER:**  
(shakes head) WHAT HAPPENED TO BENNY?  
WHY IS HE IN A FIC? AND WHY DOES  
HE THINK THAT'S SWELL?

**BENNY:**  
(pointedly) THE WRITER OF EVERY  
FANFICTION HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE  
YOU DO AS HE OR SHE PLEASES!  
**  
COLLINS:**  
(sickened) LORD ALMIGHTY JESUS.

**BENNY:**  
(stubbornly defending the fics) IT'S GREAT!

**MARK:**  
(sighing) YOU'RE A WASTE OF TIME...

**ROGER:**  
... YOU'RE WRONG.

**MARK:**  
AND YOU'VE WRONGED  
THE FANDOM, (glares at x Rajah x)  
THIS IS SO RANDOM.

**BENNY:**  
(trying to reason) THERE ARE SOME FICS  
THAT ARE GOOD ON THE SITE...

**ROGER:**  
(sarcastically) I KNEW IT.  
**  
BENNY:**  
THIS AUTHOR, THE ONE WHO  
ACTUALLY LIKES ME, MAKES  
ME HOPE WHEN THE FANFIC IS  
THROUGH, THE NON-CANON SHIT  
WILL BECOME RENT REALITY...  
YOU'LL SEE, BOYS... YOU'LL SEE BOYS.  
A GOOD OL' FASHIONED T RATED  
CANON WELL-WRITTEN FANFICTION-  
IT FORGOES YOUR DESPAIR, AND IT  
MAKES CANON FANGIRLS SQUEE  
IT'LL EVEN INCLUDE ME... IF YOU DO  
THE AUTHOR ONE SMALL FAVOR.

**MARK:**  
WHAT?

**BENNY:**  
CONVINCE ROGER TO  
COME BACK INTO FANFICS.

**MARK:**  
(as Roger glares) WHY NOT JUST  
FILL HIS PLACE WITH AN OC, OR  
HAVE HIM DIE?

**BENNY:**  
THEY TRIED, THEY TRULY DID.  
BUT THE FANGIRLS WOULD RATHER  
ROGER COME BACK QUIETLY.

**ROGER:**  
(angrily) I WON'T QUIETLY COME BACK  
TO THAT LIVING HELL SO THE FANGIRLS  
CAN MAKE A FOOL OF ME!

**BENNY:**  
YOU WANT TO BE STUCK IN HERE ALL DAY  
AND NEVER SEE ANOTHER FANGIRL FAWN?  
IT'S WHAT YOU USED TO DREAM ABOUT,  
COME ON, WE ALL KNOW YOU'LL DO IT...  
YOU'LL SEE BOYS, YOU'LL SEE BOYS... YOU'LL SEE  
THE BEAUTY OF FANFICTION... THE KIND THAT  
DOESN'T DO OUR CANON SHAME... WITH MOJO,  
COLLINSANGEL, ROGERMIMI, AND  
ME AND MARKY, ALWAYS  
JUST STANDING THERE ALONE...  
YOU'LL SEE... (stares Roger down) OR YOU'LL SULK.

**ANGEL:**  
THAT BOY COULD USE A SMACK.

**ROGER:**  
(shakes head) A BULLET TO THE CHEST.

**MARK:**  
OR A NICE LONG REST?

**COLLINS:**  
WHICH REMINDS ME, WE HAVE A  
PRERENT FANFIC TO BE IN TONIGHT, ANYONE  
WHO WANTS TO (glances at Roger)  
CAN COME ALONG...

**ANGEL:**  
IT'S JUST A LITTLE PRERENT  
PIECE ABOUT EVERYONE'S LIFE...  
IT PROBABLY WON'T BE VERY LONG.

**MARK:**  
(thinks) FIRST I'VE GOT A MARKJO TO DO.

**ANGEL:**  
ROGER?  
**  
ROGER:**  
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME COME.

**MARK:**  
PUSSY.

**ANGEL:**  
(looks at Roger's update list)  
HE'LL BE BACK EVENTUALLY  
THE FANGIRLS HAVE MORE  
TORTURE IN MIND... YOU'LL SEE BOYS...

**MARK AND COLLINS:**  
(grudgingly) WE'LL SEE, BOYS...

**ROGER:**  
(pouting) I WON'T FUCK BOYS.  
**  
COLLINS:**  
I FUCK BOYS.

**ANGEL:**  
BOYS FUCK ME.

**ALL:**  
WE'LL SEE...

(We are somewhere in an unknown fanfic, a MarkJoanne romance.)

**MARK:**  
AND SO - INTO THE FIC  
T-RATED... A SMALL  
ROMANCE PLOT IS  
PARTIALLY SET UP.

**JOANNE:**  
MARKJO? I CAME  
INTO THIS FIC... FOR THIS?

**MARK:**  
CLOSE ON MARK'S NOSEDIVE...

**JOANNE:**  
WELL, FUCK.

**MARK:**  
WILL I GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE?  
**  
JOANNE:**  
(sees him) MARK.

**MARK:**  
(awkwardly) HI.

**JOANNE:**  
IT'S BEEN AWHILE  
SINCE THEY CALLED YOU...

**MARK:**  
I WAS IN A PRERENT  
MARKMAUREEN, THEN  
TOOK A BREAK... NOW I'M HERE.

**JOANNE:**  
BAD GRAMMAR SCREWED UP OUR UPDATE.

**MARK:**  
GREAT! WELL, NICE TO SEE  
YOU... BUT... (starts to leave, in obvious relief)

**JOANNE:**  
WAIT...UH, SHE JUST GOT A BETA.  
(Mark sighs and turns back around)  
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BOND OVER  
MOJO BREAKUP...

**MARK:**  
THERE'S NO OTHER WAY? OKAY, (thinks)  
SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

**JOANNE:**  
(reads script) MARKY, FUCK ME.

**MARK:**  
ANYTHING BUT THAT...

**JOANNE:**  
(grimaces) THIS FIC SUCKS.

**MARK:**  
(sarcastically) IT SUCKS?

**JOANNE:**  
(nods) REALLY SUCKS.

**MARK:**  
FUCKING SUCKS.  
**  
JOANNE:**  
I'M SO SICK OF THIS-  
WHAT SHOULD I DO?  
FIRST I ATE RAISIN BRAN  
THEN I FUCKED WITH A MAN  
AND NOW, WILL I HAVE TO FUCK YOU?

**MARK:**  
FEEL LIKE RUNNING, WANNA FLEE  
AND I REALLY GOTTA PEE  
AND I'M THINKING  
OF PUKING... AM I GREEN?

**JOANNE:**  
OH, YOU KNOW- ME TOO... 'CAUSE OF  
WHAT MAUREEN HAD TO DO...

**MARK:**  
OH YEAH, THE PRERENT  
MARKMAUREEN. THE  
PRERENT MARKMAUREEN!  
IT'S A FLUFFY DIVA AND A  
FILMMAKING MAN... THEN  
YOU HAVE A CHANCE MEETING...

**JOANNE:**  
OH YES.

**MARK:**  
WITH YOU, SHE IS CHEATING...

**JOANNE:**  
(repeats, like a mantra) SHE'S CHEATING WITH ME.

**MARK:**  
AND SHE NERVOUSLY TWIRLS  
A HANDFUL OF HER CURLS  
AS SHE TELLS ME THAT SHE IS A LEZZIE...  
**  
JOANNE:**  
I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU MEAN.

**BOTH:**  
PRERENT MARKMAUREEEEEEEEN!

**MARK:**  
THEN SHE LEAVES ME, HEARTBROKEN  
AND ALONE, FOR YOU, THE LAWYER.

**JOANNE:**  
ALWAYS.

**MARK:**  
AND SHE HURRIES OFF  
TO YOUR PLACE TO  
FUCK WITH YOU...

**JOANNE:**  
IN THE FOYER! DID IT  
KILL YOU AS SHE TOLD YOU GOODBYE?

**MARK:**  
(nods) EVERYTIME, I START... TO WAIL.

**JOANNE:**  
AND YOU THOUGHT BACK ON  
HOW LONG YOU'D LOVED HER?

**MARK:**  
EVER SINCE... SCARSDALE.

**JOANNE:**  
OH BROTHER!

(They sit down, waiting for their update to be ready after being checked by the beta.)

**MARK:**  
(conversationally) WHAT'S YOUR NEXT FANFIC?

**JOANNE:**  
MAUREEN AND I ADOPT A DAUGHTER AND  
WE LEARN TO BE PARENTS. AND YOU?

**MARK:**  
SOME PRERENT THING ABOUT  
OUR LIVES BEFORE THE CANON,  
THOUGH I'M NOT SURE HOW IT'LL  
HAPPEN WITHOUT ROGER.

(Joanne half-laughs and looks around anxiously)

**MARK:**  
(sighing) IT'S HARD TO DO THAT  
OVER AND OVER...

**JOANNE:**  
(laughs dryly) YOU SHOULD TRY FUCKING COLLINS!  
(as Mark looks disgusted, she stands up, angry) I'M A LEZZIE!

**MARK:**  
A LEZZIE.

**JOANNE:**  
(repeats) I'M A LEZZIE!

**MARK:**  
A FUCKING LEZZIE.

**JOANNE:**  
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ROMANCE A MAN...

**MARK:**  
GOTTA LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE  
WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT

**JOANNE:**  
AND BE IN MOJOS  
WHENEVER I CAN!

**BOTH:**  
WHEN YOU'RE STUCK  
IN THE TRAP, AND YOU FEEL  
LIKE CRAP, MARKMO ROMANCE  
MAKES YOU SICK...!

**MARK:**  
SO YOU THINK, "IT'LL PASS..."

**JOANNE:**  
YET IT TENDS TO SUCK ASS.

**BOTH:  
**AT LEAST IT'S NOT A NON-CANON TRICK.  
PRERENT MARKMAUREEN... GOTTA WAIT  
'TIL THE FILMMAKER'S BLUE...  
MARK PRETENDS TO FEEL SHITTY,  
IT NEVER LOOKS PRETTY...  
BUT THE END, IT WILL COME, MARKY IS ALL ALONE  
AND MAUREEN DUMPS HIM LIKE SHE IS MEAN.

**MARK:**  
THEN THEY'LL THROW IN AN OC...

**JOANNE:**  
'CAUSE MAUREEN IS WITH ME...

**MARK:**  
UPDATE'S DONE!

**JOANNE:**  
(is disdain) SORRY, MAUREEN...

**MARK:**  
(slowly) IT'S TIME.

JOANNE:  
I KNOW.

**MARK:**  
YOU KNOW-  
MAUREEN IS IN MY FIC AFTER THIS...

**JOANNE:**  
OHHHH, PISS...

(The phone rings, Joanne answers.)

**JOANNE:**  
HI, MAUREEN, WE'RE... I KNOW, WE HAD A DELAY, MARK WILL BE THERE, I... AAHHH, FORGET IT. (in despair) THE UPDATE.

(She puts down the phone, casting her eyes toward Mark.)  
**  
BOTH:**  
PRERENT MARKMAUREEN!

---------

Woot, woot. I'm on a roll here. YAY.

So... how was that? I personally feel that was a major improvement from the last one.

More interesting thing lie ahead... like, wow. Christmas Bells. And La Vie Boheme. YIKES.

REVIEWS, PLEASE? THANK YOU! HUGS!


	4. Mourning, RogerMimi, & Canon Fanfics?

First of all, wonderful reviewers, I thank you. You guys are so awesome, you all deserve Roger hugs. (Best type of hug, don't you know?)

Thanks also to the lovely people who volunteered to be the Roger fans... in this installment. :D I hope you all enjoy your part in the chapter/song. I personally love how it turned out.

And please, do ENJOY. Leave me a review, too, if you would be so kind, dearies.

(bunny hops away to await reviews)

* * *

(Outside of the somewhere land, the fanfic authors despair in the absence of Roger. They have organized a makeshift support group meeting. They sit in a semi-circle, some sniffling into tissues, others staring blankly at the wall. They introduce themsevles by pen name.)

**MOURNER #1:**

ONESONG05.

**MOURNER #2:**

STEPHANIE PASCAL.

**MOURNER #3:**

NAKEVA RAPP CULLEN.

**MOURNER #4:**

GIRLINTHEMIRROR121.

**MOURNER #5:**

GINGER GLINDA.

**MOURNER #6:**

HI, I'M GRAPETHEAPE.

**MOURNER #7:**

ANGEL DUMOTT SCHUNARD COLLINS.

**MOURNING LEADER:**

I'M X RAJAH X. LET'S BEGIN.

**ALL: (chanting sadly)**

THERE IS NO FICS, NO ROGER FICS...

**SIRIUSLOVESRENT:**

(enters sullenly, then looks around, suddenly sorry for interrupting)

SORRY, EXCUSE ME... OOPS.

**X RAJAH X:**

(eyeing newcomer suspiciously)

YOU'RE NOT ROGER...

**SIRIUSLOVESRENT:**

(flustered, overcome by emotion)

OH I'M NOT... I'M JUST HERE TO...I DON'T...

(completely unable to speak properly without Roger)

... UM... (tries to remember name)

SIRIUSLOVESRENT. I'M PADFOOT.

(takes deep breath)

WELL, CLEARLY I'M A LITTLE UPSET.

**X RAJAH X:**

(points to open chair)

SIT DOWN, PADFOOT.

ROGER WILL RETURN, DON'T FRET.

**ALL:**

(continuing)

WE LOVE YOU, ROGER.

COME BACK, IT'S YOU WE MISS!

**STEPHANIE PASCAL:**

EXCUSE ME, RAJAH, I'M

HAVING A PROBLEM WITH THIS

THIS... MEETING. MY WORLD IS ENDING -

ROGER WAS MY MAIN MAN, OKAY?

**X RAJAH X:**

(nods) OKAY, BUT STEPH,

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

**STEPHANIE PASCAL:**

(scoffs) WHAT DO YOU MEAN? (gestures dramatically at weeping fans.)

**X RAJAH X:**

(repeats slowly) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

**STEPHANIE PASCAL:**

(growls) SHITTY.

**X RAJAH X:**

IS THAT ALL?

**STEPHANIE PASCAL:**

(in small, depressed voice)

IT REALLY MAKES ME SAD.

**X RAJAH X:**

BUT WHY GET MAD?

**STEPHANIE PASCAL:**

(wails softly) BECAUSE I LOVE ROGER. HE'S MY LIFE.

(other fans nod in agreement, and Rajah sighs, giving in

because, of course, she agrees.) LOOK- I GET IT THAT

WERE TRYING TO CUT THE CRAP AND TRYING

TO BRING CANON FICS BACK, BUT I CAN ONLY THINK

OF ROGER AND IT GIVES ME FRIGHT.

**STEPHANIE PASCAL AND X RAJAH X:**

I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN MY FICS?

WHAT THE FUCK CAN I WRITE?

**ALL:**

(wailing piteously) NO ROGER FICS,

NONE, CANON OR NOT

NO ROGER FICS... TODAY...

* * *

(We see Mimi, alone, presumably waiting for her update to be ready, which is being beta-read.)

**MIMI:**

(glances around, visibly frustrated)

WHAT'S THE TIME?

WHAT KIND OF AUTHOR UPDATES THIS CLOSE

TO MIDNIGHT? (sighs) MY BODY'S TALKING

TO ME, IT SAYS "TIME FOR ROGER."

IT SAYS NONCANON IS A WASTE OF TIME,

AND THAT MAYBE ROGER WAS RIGHT... (yawns )

I WANNA PUT ON MY FUZZY SLIPPERS AND

BE CHIPPER WITH MY ROGER.

THEY'VE GOT A KNACK TO ALL SLACK

THEN FLOOD THE DATABASE

WITH CRAPPY ASS FICS.

UPDATES ARE TOO QUICK, THE TOPICS

MAKE ME SICK, THIS CHICK WANTS TO

KISS ROGER'S FACE! WE DON'T NEED COLLINSMIMI,

AND GOD KNOWS WE DON'T NEED MIMIMAUREEN...

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LISTEN

INSTEAD OF BEING MEAN?

WRITE SOME - ROGERMIMI TONIGHT

I WANT SOME - ROGERMIMI TONIGHT

YOU WANT TO WRITE?

WRITE FOR ME TONIGHT...

HE'LL TAKE MY HAND, AND THEN WE'LL...

ROGERMIMI! ROGERMIMI...TONIGHT.

(sighs dreamily) ROGEROCS? HA!

OOH WHOA OOH WHOA WHOA... YEAH!

WHEN I GET TIRED OF THESE DUMB FICS

I LIKE TO SIT AND PRETEND

THAT I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME ROMANCE

WITH MY HOT BOYFRIEND!

WRITE SOME - ROGERMIMI TONIGHT.

I HAVE TO HAVE - ROGERMIMI TONIGHT!

YOU WANT TO UPDATE?

PUT IT UP, MATE.

AS LONG AS ITS THE RIGHT STUFF

MAKE IT- ROGERMIMI... ROGERMIMI TONIGHT!

IN THE EVENINGS, I LIKE TO GO HOME

AND NOT BE TRAPPED IN THE MIMIMO ZONE

FEELS TOO MUCH LIKE A DRONE -

OR LIKE SOMETHING IN A BAD HORROR FLICK...

SO WHY NOT WRITE SOME ROGERMIMI...

IT'S PRETTY FUN, FOR ME, IT'S AN ENJOYABLE FIC!

AND I'M SICK OF BEING PAIRED UP WITH A CHICK!

WRITE ME - ROGERMIMI TONIGHT.

I'D LOVE SOME - ROGERMIMI TONIGHT.

IT'S SWEET, AND IT'S LIKE A TREAT

HE CAN KISS ME, GET ME CHOCOLATE

OR MASSAGE MY FEET...

JUST WRITE ME... ROGERMIMI TONIGHT!

(Mimi sees an alert telling her that her previous author's engagement will be held up because the beta is on vacation... and after a moment, she is overjoyed to see a lovely T rated fanfiction alert labeled: "ROGERMIMI ROMANCE". )

**MIMI:**

(happily)

I'LL HAVE SOME...

ROGERMIMI TONIGHT!

THANK YOU DEARIES FOR THE

ROGERMIMI, TONIGHT!

ROGER WILL MAKE ME... OUT...

TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT!

(She rushes into the somewhere land's loft lounge pad, where Roger sits angsting, and runs over to him, surprising him with a chaste kiss. He kisses back and she starts to drag him to the door by his arm. He recoils, realizing where she plans to take him.)

* * *

**ROGER:**

(astonished, tries to stall her)

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

IT'S COLD OUT TONIGHT...

LOOK, THERE, SEE, IT'S SNOWING!

(gently takes her hand and pulls her further in)

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY,

WHERE YOUR FANFICS OKAY? YOU'D BETTER

REST WHILE THE AUTHOR'S BETA'S AWAY.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF, I'LL MAKE COFFEE

I HAVE CHOCOLATE, AND I HAVE TOFFEE!

(thinks desperately) I'LL RUN A WARM BATH FOR YOU

AND MAKE YOU A SNACK, WILL BEN & JERRY'S DO?

(He plunges onward, leading her to sit down, away from the exit into Fanfics. But, seeing the email alert message and what it entails, he pauses. He slowly reads: "ROGERMIMI ROMANCE." )

**ROGER:**

I SHOULD GIVE IN, I SHOULD GO OUT

I SHOULD GIVE IN, I SHOULD - NO!

(with sudden fervor) IT'S ANOTHER FIC!

BY ANOTHER AUTHOR! IT MAY NOT BE

CANON CRIME, IT MAY NOT BE A TRICK

BUT I WON'T PLEASE THE SAME HANDS

THAT TYPE MARKROGER SHIT,

YOU WANT ME TO RETURN,

THEN WRITE MORE CANON FICS!

MORE CANON FICS!

**MIMI:**

(soothingly)

THEY MAY WRITE CRAP

THEY MAY WRITE SHIT

BUT THIS IS US- WE CAN DEAL WITH IT.

THERE'S NO MARKROGER, THERE'S NO

MIMIMO, THIS IS A FIC WHERE WE CAN GO!

A FIC FOR US, A FIC FOR A KISS

JUST YOU AND ME

A ROGERMIMI FIC.

DON'T BE SO STUBBORN

DON'T PASS THIS UP.

DON'T FEEL SO BETRAYED.

**ROGER:**

(looks angry)

EXCUSE ME, IF I'M A LOON,

BUT DIDN'T THIS AUTHOR ALSO WRITE

YOUR FIC FROM THIS AFTERNOON?

IT'S STILL FANFIC,

IT STILL MAKES ME MAD!

NOT THAT ROMANCE WITH

YOU EVER MAKES ME SAD...

LONG AGO, I WOULD'VE GONE WITHOUT PLEA!

BUT DO YOU UNDERSTAND

WHAT THOSE AUTHORS

HAVE DONE TO ME?

IT'S STILL A FIC, STILL WRITTEN BY THEM

YOU MAY NOT BE PAIRED WITH A CHICK -

YOU WILL BE LATER IN THE A.M.

YOU SEE, THAT'S HOW THEY THINK

THEY CALL IT "GOING WITH THE MUSE"

AND THOUGH THEY THINK IT'S NICE

IT LEAVES ME FEELING USED.

I FEEL BETRAYED.

**MIMI:**

(protesting)

IT'S ONLY US

ONLY A FLUFF ONESHOT

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW MANY GOOD

FICS THEY'VE GOT.

NO MARKROGER,

NO MIMIMO,

SO WHY DON'T WE GO?

(The members of the Roger Life Support group sing with Mimi's lines as they run similteanously with Roger's.)

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

WE WANT YOU BACK...

**ROGER:**

I DON'T WANT TO COME.

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

OUR SADNESS HAS GROWN.

**ROGER:**

LEAVE ME ALONE!

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

WE NEED YOU TO SURVIVE

YOU KEEP US ALIVE

COME BACK TO THE FICS!

**ROGER:**

WHO SAYS FICS MUST SURVIVE?

I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

THERE'S ONLY FICS

SO WHY MUST YOU FIGHT?

THE RENTHEADS LOVE YOU

YOU KNOW THAT IT'S RIGHT

NO MARKROGER,

NO MIMIMO,

JUST GO WITH THE FLOW!

**ROGER:**

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

MAKING ME TURN GAY AND FUCK MARK?

STUPID AUTHORS, I WILL NEVER PLEASE YOU.

THE SITE'S DOWN ANYWAY!

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

DON'T FEEL SO BETRAYED.

**ROGER:**

TAKE YOUR PLOT BUNNIES

TAKE YOUR SLASH/SMUT!

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

(insistent) DON'T FEEL SO BETRAYED!

**ROGER:**

TAKE YOUR FAKE SMILES

YOUR FLOWY WORDS

YOUR GOOD REVIEWS!

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

WE NEED YOU TODAY!

**ROGER:**

IT'S STILL A FIC,

IT'S STILL A FIC,

ONE CHAPTER THICK,

BUT STILL A FIC!

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

DON'T THINK OF IT THAT WAY!

**ROGER:**

YOU WRITE WITH EASE

YOUR READERS GRIN

BUT I WON'T BUDGE,

I WON'T GIVE IN.

**MIMI & OTHERS:**

DON"T FEEL SO BETRAYED!

**MIMI:**

(exits quickly, fed up with Roger.)

* * *

**ROGER:**

(moodily, hanging out alone) I'M WON'T BE IN FANFICS... NOT EVER.

**ONESONG05:**

WILL WE GET OUR ROGER BACK?

WILL HE END THIS SCARE?

WILL HE BE IN FICS TOMORROW

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

(The remainder is sung in a round.)

**ONESONG05 & ANGEL DUMOTT SCHUNARD COLLINS:**

WILL WE GET OUR ROGER BACK?

WILL HE END THIS SCARE?

WILL HE BE IN FICS TOMORROW

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

**NAKEVA RAPP CULLEN & GIRLINTHEMIRROR121:**

WILL WE GET OUR ROGER BACK?

WILL HE END THIS SCARE?

WILL HE BE IN FICS TOMORROW

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

**STEPHANIE PASCAL AND GINGER GLINDA:**

WILL WE GET OUR ROGER BACK?

WILL HE END THIS SCARE?

WILL HE BE IN FICS TOMORROW

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

**X RAJAH X, GRAPETHEAPE, & SIRIUSLOVESRENT:**

WILL WE GET OUR ROGER BACK?

WILL HE END THIS SCARE?

WILL HE BE IN FICS TOMORROW

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

**ROGER:**

(scoffs and shakes head at their pleas, then moves to prepare to go out and see Maureen's protest.)

* * *

**THREE OCS:**

CANON FICS ARE CALLING

CANON FICS ARE CALLING

CANON FICS ARE CALLING

SOMEWHERE REALLY

FAR, FAR AWAY.

**SQUEEGEE MAN:**

(pleads with authors) ANOTHER FANFIC, PLEASE?

(Squeegee Man recoils as the authors reject him.)

**SQUEEGEE MAN:**

NO ONE WRITES ABOUT ME!

(Three Fanfic Authors, fully armed with keyboards and imagination, enter and approach sleeping PLOT BUNNY. The first Author pokes it with a pencil.)

**PLOT BUNNY:**

(pleasantly, though ready to bite)

EVENING, AUTHORS!

(Entranced by the plot bunny, the first Author raises a finger above the keyboard, contemplating.)

**MARK:**

(enters, looking over in disdain) WHAT ABOUT YOUR UNFINISHED FICS, AUTHORS?

The Author lowers the single finger, saddened.

**MARK:**

THE ONES YOU STARTED AND LEFT HANGING?

**AUTHORS:**

(struck by realization) RIGHT!

(They exit, ready to update. Mark watches the PLOT BUNNY cautiously. It approaches him.)

**PLOT BUNNY:**

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I NEED A GODDAMN FIC BEFORE I GO INSANE

AND RABID AND I ROT AWAY!

**ANGEL:**

(pats PLOT BUNNY on the head like a pet.)

EASY, BUNNY, EASY. MARKY WAS JUST TRYING TO...

**PLOT BUNNY:**

(nearly takes Angel's hand off)

JUST TRYING TO USE ME

TO KILL THE NEW FICS

IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF

WEBSITE, HONEY.

(gestures to other stray plot bunnies)

LET'S GO - THIS PLACE IS FULL OF

AUTHOR - STEALING FANFIC CHARACTERS!

HEY, "MARKY", YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?

**MARK:**

(sighs at the thought of his sex life without fanfics.)

**PLOT BUNNY:**

I THOUGHT NOT. (exits with other plot bunnies)

* * *

(Mark, Angel, and Collins retreat to sit down and take a breather after their encounter with the plot bunnies. They all heave themselves into seats, sighing deeply.)

**ANGEL:**

FANFICTION DOT NET.

**COLLINS:**

(in frustration) UH-UH.

**ANGEL:**

CENTER OF _THEIR_ UNIVERSE. (points to Fanfic Authors)

**COLLINS:**

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

**ANGEL:**

FICS ARE SHITTY,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THEY

CAN'T GET WORSE...

**MARK:**

I HEAR YOU.

**ANGEL:**

IT'S A COMFORT TO KNOW,

WHEN YOU SUFFER THE FANFIC BLUES,

THAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE A FIC

COMES ALONG THAT'S A... PLEASURE CRUISE.

**COLLINS:**

(dreamily) NOW YOU'RE TALKING!

(Collins gets up and gestures dramatically)

**COLLINS:**

WELL, I'M HAUNTED BY THE NON-CANON STORIES,

AND I'M SICK OF COLLINSJOANNE, THAT I KNOW.

I'M SHOUTING TO THE AUTHORS, "WHY THIS STORY?"

AND ALL THEY SAY IS "SHUT UP AND DO IT", SO...

LET'S HAVE A CANON FANFIC WRITTEN FOR TODAY,

LOVELY CANON PAIRINGS WOULD BE NICE...

LET'S HAVE A CANON FANFIC WRITTEN FOR TODAY,

A SIMPLE COLLINSANGEL WOULD SUFFICE! OH-OH.

**ALL:**

OH-OH.

**ANGEL:**

(as if she's never heard of such a thing)

COLLINSANGEL?

**COLLINS:**

YEAH, COLLINSANGEL,

WELL WRITTEN AND NICE AND FLUFFY,

AND IT'LL BE RATED T...

**ANGEL:**

NOT M?

**COLLINS:**

(blushes) AHEM.

OR A NICE ROGERMIMI,

TO MAKE ROGER SEE,

THAT NOT ALL FANFIC AUTHORS COMMIT CRIMES!

OR A MARKOC WOULD DO, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT MARY SUE.

WRITING NOT ABOUT SLASH PAIRINGS SOUNDS FINE!

LET'S HAVE A CANON FANFIC WRITTEN FOR TODAY!

**ALL:**

(wishing) FOR TODAY!

**COLLINS:**

THEIR LABORS WOULD REAP GOOD REVIEWS!

**ALL:**

GOOD REVIEWS!

**COLLINS:**

OR WE COULD GO ESCAPE AND HIDE AS ROGER DID...

**ALL:**

OKAY!

**COLLINS:**

BUT SOONER OR LATER,

THEY'D SOMEHOW DRAG US BACK...

**ALL:**

(sadly) DRAG US BACK...

**COLLINS:**

WE'LL LEAVE THIS FANFIC JUNK AND GO SO FAR AWAY,

WHERE THE TRUE STORY MADE BY LARSON ONLY LIVES...

WE'LL MAKE IT YET, WE'LL GET OUT, LIFE WILL BE OKAY...

**ALL:**

A-OK.

**COLLINS:**

WE'D FORGET THIS

UNDESERVED FANFIC HELL...OH-OH.

**ALL:**

OH-OH.

**COLLINS:**

IS THERE A WAY THAT FANFICS CAN STAY...

TRUE TO WHAT WE ALL WOULD LIKE?

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**

(contentedly) NO!

* * *

Okay, so that's it for this installment. OH MY GOD, it was such a pain to write because my enter key on my keyboard stopped working. GAAAAAAH. (glares) Anyway. I hope you liked.

And you may not hear from me for awhile now. I'm going to to Florida and I won't be back until April 1st, which happens to be MY BIRTHDAY! YAY! Ok, so... REVIEWS? EARLY B-DAY PRESSIES?

P.S. THIS CHAPTER IS TOTALLY DEDICATED TO STEPHANIE PASCAL, BECAUSE HER BIRTHDAY IS ALSO ON APRIL 1ST AND I NEEDED SOME SORT OF EARLY GIFT FOR HER BECAUSE SHE IS AWESOME. :D

Also:

Happy Easter, everyone! And check out my homepage! :) It's a lot of fun!


	5. I'll Torture You and Angsting!

Hello, kind souls. Your reviews have warmed my heart.

Okay, get ready for a BUNCH of excuses for why I never updated this sooner.

Here we go:

My month has been dragging on terribly since a little after my birthday. I'm just waiting for when I can go buy Adam Pascal's awesome new CD when it comes out, because then I shall drown in happiness. Anyway, first we had to have my kitty that I've had since I was five put to sleep. Then, I got bit by a cat (I work at a cat shelter) and his teeth left a hole on each side of my finger. I was on antibiotics for awhile and typing hurt.

Now, here I am, and I worked SO HARD ON THIS!

* * *

Wandering, Mark, Collins and Angel rise, and trudge on.

**MARK: **

I'LL MEET YOU

AT THE SHOW.

I'M GOING TO SEE IF

ROGER'S GOING TO GO...

He leaves Collins and Angel alone.

**ANGEL: **

(cautiously)A BREAK AT LAST?

**COLLINS: **

(sadly) THERE WILL BE MORE,

IT MAKES ME SICK...

**ANGEL: **

BUT I HAVEN'T HEARD

AN EMAIL ALERT ALL NIGHT...

**COLLINS: **

FOR YOU OR FOR ME?

I'LL BET THEY'RE

PULLING ALL- NIGHTERS...

**ANGEL:**

DARLING, THEY ARE WRITERS...

(starts to dance, pulling Collins into her arms)

DO WHAT I PLEASE, BECAUSE I'M AN AUTHOR,

AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE, DEAR.

BE IN MY FANFIC - I'LL TORTURE YOU!

**COLLINS:**

(joining in) I AM A FAN,

BUT I DON'T LIKE CANON,

DON'T GOT MUCH TIME TO WRITE

MY NEXT PIECE, BUT OH, DARLING

YOU MUST BE THERE, IN MY FIC,

AND I'LL TORTURE YOU...

**BOTH:**

I THINK THEY MEANT IT

WHEN THEY SAID THEY HAVE

THE RIGHT, IT'S FREE SPEECH

AND EXPRESSION, BUT THAT

DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T FIGHT...

FOR LIFE, OUR TRUE LIFE!

They twirl around in each others' arms for awhile.

**BOTH:**

JUST DO AS I WRITE,

I'LL GET GREAT REVIEWS!

MY FIC IS PERFECT, AS PERFECT AS ME!...

**ANGEL:**

YOU FUCK JOANNE

AND I'LL GO FUCK MARK...

**COLLINS:**

(laughs) NO, YOU FUCK MAUREEN,

AND I'LL FUCK MIMI...

**BOTH:**

I THINK THEY MEANT IT,

WHEN THEY SAID "I WRITE ALL SLASH",

AND I GUESS THAT NOTHING MATTERS,

LARSON'S CANON THEY SHALL TRASH...

ALL DAY, AND ALL NIGHT...

I'VE LONGED TO DISCOVER A FIC

THAT IS TRUE TO THE CANON!

The following lines are sung simultaneously.

**COLLINS: **

SO, WITH THREE THOUSAND SIX WORDS,

I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**ANGEL: **

'CAUSE I'M BORED AND I WANT TO.

**COLLINS: **

WITH TWO THOUSAND OC FICS,

I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**ANGEL:**

I'VE GOT ONE HOUR ONLY...

**COLLINS: **

'TIL YOU'RE WORN

OUT AND TIRED...

**ANGEL:**

WITH ONE MILLION

SLASH FANFICS... I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**COLLINS:**

'TIL CANON HAS EXPIRED!

**ANGEL:**

WITH TWENTY BILLION

CLICHE FICS... I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**BOTH:**

OH - CANON, I'LL TORTURE YOU, YEAH!

OH , CANON... I'LL TORTURE YOU.

The two dissolve into mirthless, dry laughter and with heavy hearts, they continue onward, obviously not REALLY amused.

* * *

We see Joanne, preparing for Maureen's protest, which is taking place next to a giant reader board that lists incoming fics. The fanfics will have to be posted later, as the site is officially down for "maintenance". What this really means is the proctors of the site have lost control of the fanfic characters, which is exactly the case in the light of Maureen's blatant protest show. She tries to focus on her work, but keeps getting distracted.)

**JOANNE:**

(glancing sidelong at the board)

LET'S SEE... ROGERJOANNE?

A POST RENT ROMANCE FIC?

THAT'S A STRANGE CONCEPT...

WHAT THE HELL? OKAY...

(moves to set up sound equipment, but glances back, perplexed.)

WAIT! MARK AND ROGER HOME ALONE?

AND THEN ROMANCE BLOOMS? WHAT THE HELL?

(goes back to equipment) SO HOW DOES THIS WORK?

MAUREEN WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO...

(glances back at board, reads title)

"SEXUAL DISCOVERY"... AND IT'S A MIMIMO TOO...

(dryly) THAT SOUNDS GREAT... BUT OH NO!

MARKROGER... IT MUST BE FATE...

MARK'S GETTING A LOT OF SEX FICS TODAY...

WHAT THE HELL?

(wrestles with tangled wires) UGH, HOLD ON...

WHAT DOES THIS GO ON... HELLO?

FUCK THIS, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE,

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING...

WHAT THE HELL? (looks back at board)

WAIT... WAIT? MIMI'S MY LESBIAN SISTER?

THAT MAKES NO SENSE! ... HUH?

UH... WHAT THE HELL?

(turns to equipment, plugging several things in)

THAT'LL DO FOR THAT. (an email alert beeps)

OH - A MOJO? I WISH I COULD GO...

BUT AFTER THE PROTEST, I'M SO THERE!

AND IT'S RATED M, SMUT? WOW, I WANNA GO...

(looks at equipment) THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT...

OKAY. HM.

(looks at board, jaw drops at sight of strange unknown fic alert)

WHAT THE HELL? (sighs) THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY...

* * *

The fanfic characters enter. All of the characters featured on the drop-down list of Fanfiction dot net with the exception of Roger, Mark, and Maureen stand, sullen.

**CHARACTERS:**

(together) CANON STORIES

ARE CALLING, CANON STORIES

ARE CALLING, CANON STORIES

ARE CALLING... OFF THE SITE,

THE LIBRETTO.

**SQUEEGEE MAN:**

HONEST CHARACTER,

HONEST CHARACTER,

HONEST CHARACTER,

HONEST CHARACTER,

HONEST CHARACTER,

HONEST CHARACTER!

**CHARACTERS:**

CAN'T YOU WRITE A FIC OR TWO,

THAT DOESN'T HAVE AN

OC VERSION OF YOU?

WE'LL BE HAPPY, MAKE IT SNAPPY.

WE'RE GETTING DEPRESSED

'CAUSE YOUR FICS ARE CRAPPY!

NO MOJO, NO COLLINSANGEL,

NO ROGERMIMI, NOMARKSCARF.

NO NONSLASH, NO CANON, NO...

NEW UPDATES ARE COMING,

SHIT, NEW UPDATES ARE COMING!

NOT WELCOME IN THE DATABASE, OH NO!

AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SHOW!

The characters begin to shout out random phrases in their frustration.

**CHARACTERS:**

MARY SUES, SLASH,

FICS, CLICHES, MARKROGER,

PRERENT, COLLINSMO, OH NO!

MIMIJO, AND MARKOCS!

**PLOT BUNNY:**

NO ONE'S WRITING, FEEL LIKE BITING...

**CHARACTERS:**

CANON'S NOT WELCOME IN

THE DATABASE, OH NO!

AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SHOW!

**ANGEL:**

(to fanfic authors)

HOW ABOUT A FIC, RATED K,

WRITTEN BY A FLUFFY

TEENAGE RENTHEAD?

I WANT A T- RATED STORY

WRITTEN BY A TALENTED AUTHOR

WHO CAN WRITE AND MAKE ME LAUGH!

**COLLINS:**

(to fanfic authors)

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS...

**ANGEL:**

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TORTURE US.

The following parts are sung simultaneously.

**COLLINS:**

(turns to his lover)

WE DO NOT DESERVE THIS, ANGEL.

WRITE, WRITE... ALL THEY DO, IS WRITE, WRITE...

(to fanfic authors) WRITE SOMETHING TO SHOW

HOW RENT'S TOUCHED YOU SO!

**ANGEL:**

WAIT -ONE FANFIC MORE?

HERE COME SOME MORE...

CANON? NO... NO... NO...

(to Collins) IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE SHOW!

Mark and Roger enter, Roger looking quite sullen.

MARK:

SHE SAID "COME BE IN A ROGMIMI!"

AND SHE PUT ON A POUT AND

YOU CLAIMED YOU WEREN'T DOING

FANFICS... AT ALL?

**ROGER:**

(grimly) THAT'S RIGHT...

**MARK:**

(curious) AND DID YOU FALL?

**ROGER:**

I WAS ALMOST SWAYED

BUT I REMEMBERED THOSE

DAYS WHEN FICS WERE BAD

AND MADE ME MAD AND

THAT'S WHY I'M DONE WITH THEM ALL...

**MARK**:

WAIT- WAIT- WAIT-

YOU WON'T DO ROGERMIMI??

**ROGER:**

(obviously in a testy mood)

STOP PESTERING ME...

I'LL JUST GET MAD,

AND THAT'S THE LAST THING

YOU WANT, MARKY.

Mimi enters, looking at the spectacle of the gathering with wide eyes.

**ROGER:**

THERE- IT'S HER...

**MARK: **

(hopefully) MAUREEN?

**ROGER:**

MIMI!

**MARK:**

OH.

**ROGER:**

(as Mimi comes closer)

I SHOULD GO... (runs off)

**MARK:**

(calls after him)

ROGER, IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR THE SHOW!

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**

I'M THINKING OF A BRAND NEW SLASHFIC!

**MIMI:**

ROGER'S MY MAN, ROGER'S MY MAN!

DON'T PAIR ME WITH ANYONE YOU CAN!

'CAUSE ROGER'S MY MAN, AND IT'S

'CAUSE OF YOU THAT NO ROGERMIMI FICS WILL HE DO!

GOT A NEW ROGERMIMI?

**FANFIC AUTHORS:** (shaking heads) MARKROGER.

**MIMI:**

GOT ANY COLLINSANGEL?

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**

(still shaking heads) MARKMIMI.

**MIMI:**

(frustrated) GOT ANY MOJO,

ANY PRERENT MARKMAUREEN,

ANY PRERENT BENNYMIMI, ANY CANON?

Before she can get an answer, Roger pulls her aside.

**ROGER:**

HEY.

**MIMI:**

HEY.

**ROGER:**

I JUST WANT TO SAY...

I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY...

**MIMI:**

FORGET IT.

**ROGER:**

(sympathetically) I TURNED

DOWN OUR SMUT. CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

**MIMI:**

HOW?

**ROGER:**

(suggesting mildly)

WE COULD HAVE SEX.

**MIMI:**

(agreeing immediately)

THAT'LL DO.

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**

(interrupting) HEY ROGER-BOY,

CUTIE PIE, COME BACK TO FANFICS,

WE'LL DIE!

**ROGER:**

IF YOU MISS ME SO MUCH,

THEN CHANGE YOUR WAYS!

I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER

SINCE THOSE DAYS!

**PLOT BUNNIES:**

WE'RE BITING, THEY'RE WRITING!

THEY'VE FINALLY KICKED THEIR WRITER'S BLOCK!

LOTS MORE SLASH, LOTS MORE CRAP,

ALL AT ONCE, IT WILL FLOOD THE SITE!

**ANGEL AND COLLINS:**

AFTER THE DOWNTIME TONIGHT!

**BENNY:**

WISH ME LUCK, ALISON,

THE NEXT CHAPTER'S BEING WRITTEN!

**PLOT BUNNIES:**

MARKROGER SLASH, MIMIMO SMUT,

MARKOC WITH A COLLINSJO SUBPLOT!

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**

WRITING MORE FANFICS!

MORE AND MORE FANFICS!

CAN'T STOP WRITING FANFICS!

WE LOVE OUR FANFICS!

**SQUEEGEE MAN:**

HONEST CHARACTER?

**ROGER:**

MARK, I FOUND MIMI.

**MARK & MIMI**:

HI!

**ROGER:**

(suggestively)

I'LL BE AT HER PLACE TONIGHT.

**PLOT BUNNIES:**

HERE'S A NEW ARRIVAL!

**THE MAN:**

I SELL DRUGS!

**FANFIC CHARACTERS:**

SHIT, DAMN, FUCK!

**COLLINS:**

(points to update reader board)

THERE'S COLLINSANGEL!

**MARK:**

(rolls eyes)

I'LL HEAR YOU TWO, I BET.

**ANGEL:**

(claps hands joyfully)

FINALLY... A GOOD ONE!

**COLLINS:**

IS IT A SHAM?

**MIMI:**

THIS TIME WE

WON'T BREAK THE BED...

**THE MAN:**

I'M STILL SELLING DRUGS!

**COLLINS:**

(disgusted)

THIS SAME AUTHOR

WROTE COLLINSMARK!

**ANGEL:**

(always looking on the bright side)

BUT THIS TIME SHE PAIRED US

TOGETHER!

**BENNY:**

WHICH CHAPTER IS MY

AUTHOR WRITING?

**COLLINS:**

OH, WELL, LET'S CELEBRATE!

**BENNY:**

CHAPTER 56? DAAAMN!!

**FANFIC AUTHORS:**

PLOT BUNNIES ARE BITING,

PLOT BUNNIES ARE BITING,

AND SO WE KEEP WRITING, YES...

WE KEEP ON WRITING! ONE HUNDRED FICS!

BY NEXT YEAR! ONCE YOU ARE BITTEN,

IT'S ALREADY HALF-WRITTEN!

YOU'LL TYPE AND TYPE, SPREAD THE HYPE!

NO MATTER HOW THE CHARACTERS GRIPE!

NO CANON, THEY DON'T GET IT!

WE LOVE SLASH!

WE LOVE TO RANDOMLY PICK CHARACTERS

AND CALL IT LOVE!

NO ROGMIMI, NO COLLINSANG,

NO CANON FICS IN THE DATABASE,

NO WAY! NO CANON FICS

IN THE DATABASE TODAY!

NOT WELCOME IN THE DATABASE,

OH NO! AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SHOW!

**FANFIC CHARACTERS:**

WE'RE DREAMING OF CANON FICS...

JUST LIKE THE LIBRETTO WE USED TO KNOW!

THIS IS HELL, A PRISON CELL,

SOMEHOW SEEMS MORE NICE...

A WHOLE LOT MORE NICE!

WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT

TONIGHT, AND WE WILL TONIGHT!

FALL, WE SHALL NOT IN HELL!

FIGHT... UNTIL YOU TREAT US WELL!

AND ONLY THEN, AUTHORS! ONLY THEN!

**PLOT BUNNIES:**

GOT SOME SPARE TIME?

WANT TO WRITE LIME?

WANT TO WRITE SLASH?

WRITE HET? FEMSLASH?

I'M READY, FLOW STEADY,

YOU'VE GOTTA GET YOUR MICROSOFT,

GET YOUR WORD PROGRAM,

GET YOUR WORD PROGRAM!

FILL AUTHOR ALERTS PEOPLE'S

EMAILS WITH SPAM!

OPEN UP WORD, YES, OPEN UP WORD,

IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE A BIG FAT TURD!

ANY WRITERS? ANY FICS?

ANY MARKROGER, MIMIMO?

GOT A QUICK BREAK!

WRITE SOMETHING FAKE!

WRITE SOMETHING STUPID,

SOMETHING QUICK,

FULL OF GRAMMAR ERRORS,

WRITE US A FANFIC!

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

(arguing with Angel about a fic):

MARKANGEL?

**ANGEL: **

(calmly)

COLLINSANGEL.

**FANFIC AUTHOR: **

ROGERANGEL?

**ANGEL:**

(slightly frustrated)

COLLINSANGEL.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

MAUREENANGEL?

**ANGEL: **

(pleading)

COLLINSANGEL!

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

NO WAY, TOO CANON!

**ANGEL:**

(wanting to cry)

OH, PLEASE!

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

MIMIANGEL?

**ANGEL:**

NO THANKS.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

JOANNEANGEL?

**ANGEL:**

(angrily)

COLLINSANGEL!

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

NOT MY STYLE - BENNYANGEL?

**ANGEL:**

(disgusted)

FUCK NO.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

APRILANGEL?

**ANGEL:**

WHAT?

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

SQUEEGEEMANANGEL?

**ANGEL: **

(through gritted teeth)

HELL NO. COLLINSANGEL.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

ANGELOC?

**ANGEL:**

OH GROSS.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

FUZZYBRAGIRLANGEL?

**ANGEL:**

NOPE.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

ANGEL DEATH FIC?

**ANGEL:**

THAT_ IS_ CANON, BUT-

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

OOH, OR COLLINSANGEL!

**ANGEL AND FANFIC AUTHOR:**

YES!

**MARK:**

WE'D BETTER HIT THE LOT- SHOWTIME!

**MIMI:**

ROGER?

**ROGER:**

(pouting) NO SEX?

**MARK:**

HEY, I _AM_ OVER HERE!

**ROGER: **

(forgot Mark was there, says a bit darkly, the mood ruined):

OH... LET'S NOT HAVE SEX YET.

**MIMI: **

(points out)

YOU KNOW, I HAVE WORK TOMORROW MORNING.

**MARK AND MIMI:**

WE NEED SOME TIME

TO REST WE'RE STILL IN FANFICS,

STILL IN FANFICS, STILL IN FANFICS,

STILL IN FANFICS, STILL IN FANFICS...

STILL!

**ALL: **

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE,

AND IT IS TIME FOR THE,

AND IT IS TIME FOR MAUREEN'S... –

The website blacks out and a huge spotlight shines on Maureen as she enters.

**MAUREEN: **

(heard the news)

JOANNE, WHAT TIME IS THE MOJO?

**ALL:**

SHOW!!

* * *

I'm sorry if I totally screwed up Christmas Bells. I KNOW I did. You have no idea how hard it was – IT WAS WICKED HARD. So lots of the syllables are off, but I tried my best. Hopefully you still liked it.


	6. Maureen's Show & Roger and Mimi's Escape

Hey guys! Didjah miss meh? (hugs)

This installment goes from Over the Moon to La Vie Boheme B.

IMPORTANT NOTE: ROGER AND MIMI SWITCH PARTS IN I SHOULD TELL YOU. :D

I'll talk a lot more at the end.

:) You are spared… for now.

* * *

(At a performance lot somewhere in the nowhere land. Maureen is standing, mid-stage, behind a tall microphone stand.)

**MARK: **

TIME FOR "SITE MAINTENANCE".

**MAUREEN: **

LAST NIGHT, I WANTED

TO SCREAM. I FOUND MYSELF

WITHIN A WEBSITE, CALLED .

IT WAS TORTURE, I HADN'T BEEN IN A MOJO

IN A WEEK AND I WAS... DEPRESSED.

OUT OF THE ABYSS, WALKED AN AUTHOR...

OF CANON. I ASKED IF SHE COULD WRITE

ANY FICS. SHE SAID, "I'M TOO SICKENED BY

THIS RENT FANDOM... SO SICKENED IN FACT,

I CAN ONLY WRITE... (She hits a cowbell)... HARRY POTTER!

(reverb: Potter, Potter, Potter...)

SHE SAID, "ONLY THING TO DO IS BRING

YOUR CANON BACK!" THEY DON'T WRITE

ANYTHING REAL NOW - LIKE COLLINSANGEL,

MOJO, OR ROGERMIMI!

THEY'VE REPLACED IT ALL

WITH MARKOC, MIMIMO, COLLINSJO

AND... MARKROGER SLASH!

(reverb: Slash, slash, slash...)

BUT THERE IS A WAY OUT!

**BACKUPS:**

BRING CANON BACK,

BRING CANON BACK,

BRING CANON BACK,

BRING CANON BACK!

**MAUREEN:**

ONLY THING TO DO

IS BRING OUR CANON BACK!

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!

'CAUSE NOW I'M BEING TIED

TO THE BEDPOSTS OF A

STRAIGHT STRIPPER GIRL,

PLAYING TAG UNDERNEATH

THE BEDSHEETS WITH THE

SAME MIMI WHO SHOULD

BE GETTING ROGER OUT OF THE HOUSE!

I GOTTA FIND A WAY!

TO BRING OUR CANON BACK,

ONLY THING TO DO IS BRING OUR CANON BACK!

**BACKUPS:**

BRING CANON BACK,

BRING CANON BACK,

BRING CANON BACK,

BRING CANON BACK!

**MAUREEN:**

THEN A LITTLE TEENAGER ENTERED.

HER HOBBY- WE HAVE LEARNED - WAS SLASHFIC!

AND ALTHOUGH SHE ONCE HAD PRINCIPLES,

SHE ABANDONED THEM TO WRITE ABOUT

MARK AND ROGER GETTING IT ON IN THE LOFT!

UH, 1, 2, 3, THAT'S BULL! EVER SINCE

THOSE KIDS TOOK UP THE KEYBOARD

OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN... SUCKY.

IT SEEMS JOANNE'S ALMOST BEEN

EVICTED FROM THE FANDOM AND FORGOTTEN...

MAYBE IT'S A 2ND GENERATION TREND OR SOMETHING.

'CAUSE WHO'D WANNA LEAVE FANFICTION ANYWAY?

SLASH AIN'T SO BAD.

MY HOMEBOY ROGER FOR INSTANCE,

HE'S TIRED OF IT AS FUCK,

QUITS FANFIC AND SAYS

TO THE WRITERS BOLDLY,

"I'M NOT COMING BACK, MOFOS!

NOT EVEN FOR ROGERMIMI!"

**BACKUPS:**

SHOT.

DOWN.

COLD.

**MAUREEN:**

THE ONLY GOOD STUFF IS CANON!

THE AUTHOR WHISPERED TO ME,

"A MOJO ROMANCE. YOU IN?"

SHE ASKED. FUCK YES!

SO I'LL SOON SUCCUMB MYSELF

TO THE PLEASURES OF MOJO CANON

AND BE IN THE GREATEST FANFIC

WRITTEN IN QUITE A LONG WHILE...

(makes a kissy kissy noise at Joanne)

"COME ON IN," JOANNE WILL SAY...

AND AS THE SITE PROCTORS REGAIN

CONTROL OF FANFICTION,

WE'LL FIGHT BACK,

IN THE NAME OF THE CANON!

WRITING - CANON FANFICS ...!

WE'LL RISE UP, SINGING...

ONLY THING TO DO IS GET RID OF THE SLASH!

GET RID OF THE NONCANON,

GET RID OF THE CRAP!

ONLY THING TO DO IS NOT,

ONLY THING TO DO IS NOT,

ONLY THING TO DO IS NOT

WRITE NONCANON!

WRITE REAL CANON...

NOT NONCANON...

BOOOOOOOOO!

BOOOOOOOOO!

BOOOOOOOO!

BOO WITH ME!

(the audience obliges.)

THANK YOU!

* * *

(The fanfic characters meet outside the Space, standing around, nursing the cold. They see an approaching figure, huddled over and shaking nervously. It is a Fanfic Author.)

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

(flustered at the news of site maintenance, mumbling almost incoherently)

NO, PLEASE NO,

NOT TONIGHT PLEASE NO...

I WROTE A CHAPTER, AN ENTIRE SCENE!

**MARK:**

WHAT?

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

NO, PLEASE NO,

IMPORTANT PLOT TWIST,

OH NO! CAN'T UPLOAD –

MARKROGER!

**MARK:**

(with a sigh) CAN'T I EVER HAVE

A ROMANCE WITH A _HER_?

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR ROGER,

YOU'RE MORE THAN FRIENDS.

**MARK:**

THAT DEPENDS,

THAT DEPENDS!

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN

LIKE A BROTHER TO ME...

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

YOU'VE GOT CHEMISTRY.

**MARK:**

FUCK NO.

**COLLINS:**

(suddenly louder, had been talking with Maureen)

THAT BENNY COFFIN THE THIRD?

IN A FANFIC? OH NO...

**FANFIC CHARACTERS:**

(in chorus) WHINE IN FEAR!

**MAUREEN:**

(adding) A BIG FAN OF IDINA

AND TAYE... AND WE PAY.

**COLLINS:**

OYE VEY!

**BENNY:**

(in defense) I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE

A TOAST - TO ME AND MAUREEN'S

NEW ROMANCE FIC! IT WENT WELL.

**MAUREEN:**

GO TO HELL!

**BENNY:**

WHY THE FANFICTION BLUES?

WITH BENNYMAUREEN WE'LL

HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES, ME AND YOU...

**ROGER:**

SO DID THIS CRAPPY...

**BENNY:**

(interrupts, correcting Roger)

AMAZING WORK!

**ROGER:**

... GET ANY REVIEWS?

**BENNY:**

THERE WAS ONE FLAME,

YOU'LL FIND THAT GOOD NEWS.

**ANGEL:**

(curious) WHO FLAMED?

**BENNY:**

CANON FAN... JUST TODAY.

**MIMI AND ANGEL:**

HOORAY!

**BENNY:**

MIMI, I'M SURPRISED.

ROGER REFUSES SMUT WITH YOU

AND HE'S ALREADY FORGIVEN...

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT SPUNK?

YOU ALL PROTEST, BUT FANFIC'S

THE BEST... LIFE IS REALLY PRETTY GOOD...

AND YOU KNOW THAT THE AUTHORS

WOULD WRITE YOU A CANONFIC

NOW AND THEN - THE RENT CANON,

THE LIBRETTO! IT'S NOT EVEN IN THEIR HEADS!

IT'S THE DAWN OF A REVOLUTION

'CAUSE CANON'S NEARLY DEAD.

**MARK:**

(stands tall) DEARLY BELOVED,

WE GATHER HERE TO SAY OUR GOODBYES...

HERE SHE LIES, THERE IS NO FARCE IN,

THE BRILLIANT BRAINCHILD OF JONATHAN LARSON...

ON THIS NIGHT, WE SHALL FIGHT FOR HER RETURN!

WE'LL BRING BACK THE WORK OF THAT MAN IN,

THE VILLAGE WHO LET US BEGIN... LA VIE CANON!

**FANFIC CHARACTERS EXCEPT BENNY:**

LA VIE CANON... etc.

**MARK:**

TO WONDERFUL OCS,

NON-MARY SUES,

TO FUNNY CRACKFICS ABOUT NOTHING,

FANFICS THAT EXPRESS AND COMMUNICATE

AND SHOW A GREAT LOVE FOR RENT,

PUTTING A DENT IN ALL THE SLASH... !

TO ROGERMIMI THAT'S STEAMY,

TO COLLINSANGEL THAT IS DREAMY,

TO LETTING MARKY BE, BE HE, BE ME...

BE WHO I REALLY AM AND NOT A NUMB-ASS CAD!

TO WRITING CANONFIC TO ARCHIVE IN THE C2S,

GOOD NEWS! TO ANGEL IN PLATFORM SHOES!

TO ROGER'S BLUES, HIS ANGSTY LIFE,

TO APRIL WITH A KNIFE, TO CANON AS A FAD!

TO MARK NOT BEING WITH ROGER FOR ONCE –

AND OH HOT DAMN! LA VIE CANON!

**ALL:**

LA VIE CANON, LA VIE CANON!

**MAUREEN:**

(cuts in, continuing)

IS THE SITE STILL DOWN

FOR MAINTENANCE?

**JOANNE:**

IT IS, MAUREEN.

**MAUREEN:**

THAT MOJO IS GOING

TO MAKE MY NIGHT...

IF WE DON'T FIGHT.

**BENNY:** (clears throat to defend fanfics)

**MAUREEN:**

(quickly interrupts) TO MOJO SMUT,

TO JOANNE'S BUTT!

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

(lists slowly) SO THAT'S ROGERMIMI,

MARKGOODOC, AND MOJO, COLLINSANGEL...

AND A ONESHOT WITH NO POINT AT ALL?

**MIMI: **

UGH.

**MAUREEN:**

WHAT'S WRONG WITH CRACKFIC?

**MIMI: **

IT HURTS MY BRAIN.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

AND ROGER ANGST AND PAIN,

WHAT MORE IS THERE?

**MIMI: **

(suggesting)

ROGERXHISHAIR?

(Roger scowls)

**MIMI AND ANGEL:**

TO EXCELLENT FICS

WRITTEN BY GOOD OLD TEENAGE FANS...

TO MIMI WITH ROGER AND ANGEL WITH HER MAN!

TO HUMOR, TO ROMANCE, TO ANGST AND DRAMA TOO!

TO SONGFICS, TO LONG FICS, TO LITTLE ONESHOTS, TRUE!

**MAUREEN AND COLLINS:**

TO BETAS AND GRAMMAR,

TO SPELL - CHECKING YOUR FICS!

TO CANON CREATIONS!

**MARK:**

AND NO MARK MASTURBATION!

**MAUREEN AND COLLINS:**

COMPASSION IN FASHION,

AND PASSION IN ROMANCE!

**COLLINS:**

TO THE LIFE CAFE!

**MIMI:**

TO THE CATSCRATCH!

**ROGER:**

WHERE MIMI LIKES TO DANCE!

**COLLINS AND ROGER:**

MARKROGER FRIENDSHIP,

WITH COLLINS ON THE SIDE!

DON'T BE SNIDE, CANON WON'T HAVE TO HIDE!

**MAUREEN:**

TO CONFIDE IN TRUE LOVE,

IN WHAT WE DO LOVE, TO...

**MARK AND MIMI:**

THIS FANDOM NEEDS MENDED

LIKE JLAR INTENDED...

TO BE MORE FIT FOR FANS!

**ALL:**

LA VIE CANON!

**MAUREEN:**

MAYBE WE SHOULD

TAKE OUR CLOTHES

OFF BEFORE THE MOJO!

**JOANNE:**

NO, MAUREEN.

**MAUREEN:**

WELL, PRETTY SOON WE'LL GO!

**JOANNE:**

(after a peck on the lips)

HOW SOON?

**MAUREEN:**

(looks at clock) SO CLOSE.

**COLLINS AND ANGEL:**

TO OUR PAIRING!

**ALL:**

REAL PAIRINGS,

THAT YOU CAN FEEL PAIRINGS,

PAIRINGS FROM CANON BECAUSE

CANON IS WHAT YOU WERE EXPOSED

TO WHEN YOU FIRST BECAME A RENT FAN!

RESPECT THE RENT, THE TRUE RENT,

THE RENT YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

IN AN INSTANT, THE RENT THAT YOU WORSHIP!

TO MYSTERY, SUSPENSE, TO DRAMAEDY, COMEDY!

TO M RATED SEX FICS - OR RATED T!

TO NO SLASH, LARSON'S CANON NEVER BASHED!

**COLLINS:**

TO GETTING HIGH!

**ALL:**

TO DRINKING STOLI

AND EATING CAPTAIN CRUNCH...

TO MARKCAMERA!

**BENNY:**

LIES, LIES, LIES...

**ALL:**

LA VIE CANON!

**COLLINS:**

IN HONOR OF THE NEAR

DEATH OF CANON,

AN IMPROMPTU UPDATE SPREE

WILL COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY

FOLLOWING "MAINTENANCE".

MIMI MARQUEZ, CLAD IN HER

CATSCRATCH WEARS,

WILL HAVE A FLIRTY ROMANCE

FIC WITH OUR LOVABLE FILMMAKER...

'TIL ROGERMIMI FANS GET TOO STIRRED.

**ROGER:**

AND MARK COHEN

WILL BE PREVIEWED IN A

NEW FANFICTION

DISPLAYING HIS INABILITY

TO BE IN ANY FANFICS

BUT MARKROGER SLASH!

**MARK:**

AND MAUREEN JOHNSON,

JUST AFTER A SPECTACULAR

CANON MOJO BY A RENTHEAD

MAUREEN FAN WILL DATE ROGER

IN HIGH SCHOOL, GO TO PROM WITH COLLINS,

AND MAKE OUT WITH ME,

WHILE HAVING AN AFFAIR ON

THE SIDE WITH OUR FAVORITE

STRIPPER GAL, MEEMS!

**BENNY:**

(pulls Mimi aside)

YOUR BOYFRIEND

DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT OUR PRERENT?

**MIMI:**

(indignantly) THERE'S

NOTHING TO KNOW.

**BENNY:**

DON'T YOU THINK

HE'LL NEED TO VENT...?

**MIMI:**

IT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO!

**BENNY:**

BUT SHOULDN'T

HE KNOW I WAS WITH YOU?

**MIMI:**

HE'LL KILL YOU, I KNOW.

**BENNY:**

WHERE IS HE NOW?

**MIMI:**

HE'S RIGHT... WHERE'D HE GO?

**ROGER:**

(jumps out of nowhere)

**MARK:**

AND ROGER WILL ATTEMPT

TO HOOK UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND,

OUTSIDE OF A ROGMIMI SMUTFIC.

(Roger pulls Mimi from Benny's side and begins to passionately kiss her.)

**MARK:**

(shields eyes)BUT NOT UNTIL HE'S

AWAY FROM OUR SIGHT, PLEASE!

**COLLINS:**

ANGEL DUMOTT-SCHUNARD

WILL BE IN THE LATEST MARKANGEL

FANFICTION, RATED T, WHILE BEING

IN THE SUBPLOT OF A TEN-CHAPTER

MARKROGER FIC!

**ANGEL:**

AND COLLINS WILL

RECOUNT HIS EXPLOITS IN

A COLLINSROGER, INCLUDING

THE TALE OF HOW HE SUCCESSFULLY

GOT ROGER OUT OF HIS PLAID PANTS

WITHOUT EVEN SAYING A WORD!

**ALL:**

BRING BACK REALITY-

FIGHT BACK- FOR CANON!

**BENNY:**

FUCK!

**ROGER:**

(approaches Mimi) MIMI, ARE YOU STILL MAD?

I MEAN, I KISSED YOU... BUT

YOU ACTED LIKE IT WAS BAD!

**MIMI:**

(flustered) OH NO, BABY...

I MEAN, WELL MAYBE

IT'S THAT... I HAVE SOMETHING

TO TELL YOU - I DON'T KNOW THOUGH.

**ROGER:**

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S WRONG, MIMI?

ARE YOU STILL GOING TO

CAROUSE WITH ME?

**MIMI:**

I SHOULD TELL YOU-

**ROGER:**

(knowingly)

WAS IT A FANFIC, MEEMS?

**MIMI: **

I SHOULD TELL YOU...

**BOTH:**

FANFIC...

**OTHERS:**

LA VIE CANON!

**MIMI:**

(with a small sigh)

A PRERENT FIC.

**ROGER: **

BENNY?

**MIMI:**

AND ME. A BENNY...

**ROGER:**

...MIMI.

(They move away from the crowd.)

**MIMI:**

(taking his hands)

I SHOULD TELL YOU...

IT WAS BENNYMIMI.

BENNY NAKED WAS NASTY TO SEE.

**ROGER:**

I'LL JUST FORGET

THAT MENTAL PICTURE,

AND FEEL SORRY YOU HAD

TO DO BENNYMIMI SCRIPTURE.

**MIMI:**

IT WAS PRERENT.

**ROGER:**

STILL KINDA CANON.

**MIMI:**

FUCKING PRERENT...

**ROGER:**

I SHOULD TELL YOU,

I BLEW APRIL LAST WEEK

IN PRERENT MODE.

**MIMI:**

(bitterly)

I'D FORGOTTEN APRIL EXISTED

UNTIL I SAW THAT UPLOAD.

**ROGER:**

BUT IT'S CANON...

**MIMI:**

(sighs) YEAH, IT'S CANON.

**ROGER:**

PRERENT CANON...

**BOTH:**

I SHOULD TELL –

WELL I THOUGHT YOU'D BE PISSED...

BECAUSE OF...

**ROGER:**

WHO I...

**MIMI:**

…KISSED. THIS PRERENT STUFF IS... GROSS.

**ROGER:**

(nodding) SO GROSS.

**MIMI:**

GUESS SO - BUT IT'S NOT

AS BAD AS SLASH...

**ROGER:**

(angrily) FUCK SLASH!

**MIMI:**

I WANT YOU.

**BOTH:**

BUT THERE'S MORE,

PRERENT THERE.

WHO WRITES ROGERMIMI?

WHO WRITES? OH NO...

FORGETTING PRERENT,

WRITING MORE FOR US!

LESS PRERENT WOULD

REDUCE THE FUSS!

CLINGING TO THE PAST

UNKNOWN IS UNHEALTHY.

LIVING FOR THE NOW IS

WHERE WE'D LIKE TO BE!

SO WRITE MORE ROGERMIMI...

**MIMI:**

FOR ME.

**ROGER:**

(correcting) FOR ME!

**MIMI:**

WE'LL SEE...

**BOTH:**

WHO KNOWS THEY

MIGHT SAY "HEY...

LET'S WRITE... ROGERMIMI...

LET'S WRITE... ROGERMIMI!

WRITE SOME... ROGERMIMI!"

(After echoing Mimi's earlier desires, they walk off, clearly not intending to wait until someone bothered to write them a fic. Meanwhile... back with the other Bohos...)

**MAUREEN:**

TIME FOR THE FIC?

**JOANNE:**

NO, MAUREEN.

BUT VERY SOON...

I SHALL REMEMBER THIS DAY.

**MAUREEN:**

HOORAY!

**JOANNE:**

AND YOU SHOULD SEE,

THEY'VE REOPENED THE SITE,

AND THERE'S RIOTING ABOUT

ROGER AND MIMI... THE SITE'S

ADMINS ARE GOING TO HUNT THEM DOWN...

**MAUREEN:**

OH FUCK.

**JOANNE:**

THOSE STUPID HICKS.

I CAN UNDERSTAND

CHASING DOWN ROGER,

BUT MIMI DIDN'T QUIT FICS.

**ALL:** YEAH!

(Pandemonium erupts among the characters, who are suddenly outraged and sympathize with Roger and Mimi's plight. They begin toasting things.)

**ALL:** TO MIMI!

**ANGEL:**

(raises glass) MY BEST FRIEND,

MAKES A LIVING STRIPPING,

LIKES TO KISS ROGER,

A HEROIN ADDICT,

WEARS LOTS OF FISHNETS,

SHORT MINI-SKIRTS AND KNEE-HIGH BOOTS!

**ALL:** ROGER!

**MARK:**

ADVENTURES AS BEST FRIENDS,

NO MARKROGER SLASH,

LIFE'S NEVER BORING,

DARK FICS, ONE SONG GLORY,

PLAID PANTS, FANGIRLS, GUITARS,

AND OF COURSE PRERENT WITHDRAWAL FICS!

**ALL:** CANON!

**ANGEL:**

WITH TRUE LOVE AND

TRUE PAIRINGS, COLLINSANGEL,

ROGERMIMI, MOJO, MARKSCARF,

AND PRERENT ROGERAPRIL,

MARKMAUREEN, AND BENNYMIMI!

**ALL:**

FANFICTION!

**COLLINS AND MAUREEN:**

PEOPLE BUTCHER ALL THAT'S REAL,

STRIP THE FANDOM OF ITS SEX APPEAL,

SLAP CHARACTERS TOGETHER

AND CALL IT LOVE, M RATED SEX FICS AND SMUT!

**ALL:**

TO CANON AUTHORS

THAT UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT!

**MAUREEN:**

WHY NOT TONIGHT?

**MARK:**

(echoing) TONIGHT!

**COLLINS AND ANGEL:**

TONIGHT!

**ALL:**

WE'RE READY FOR

THE TRUE RENTHEADS

TO SHOW - WRITE US GOOD FIC,

CANON FIC, EXCELLENT FIC,

FICS IN WHICH THE WORDS BEAUTIFULLY FLOW!

LET HE AMONG US WHO HATES RENT,

BE THE FIRST TO CONDEMN, LA VIE CANON!!

LA VIE CANON!!

**MARK:**

IS ANYONE OUT THERE WRITING FANFICS?

ANYONE ON ?

ANYONE ALIVE WHO SUPPORTS CANON?

TEAR DOWN THE SLASH, START TO BASH!

THE OPPOSITE OF SLASH ISN'T CANON... IT'S WHAT RENT IS!

**ALL:**

LA VIE CANON!

**MARK:**

THE RIOTS CONTINUE.

FANFICTION AUTHORS GROW ANGRIER

ABOUT ROGER'S ABSENCE.

OUTSIDE OF THE FANFIC

WORLD FOR AN INSTANT,

ROGER AND MIMI

SHARE A SMALL RENDEVOUS...

**ALL:**

VIVA LA VIE CANON!

* * *

Okay, I hope you liked that, it was very hard to write. XD

Please review and let me know what you thought.

I have to write a note about my newfound love, a little musical called Chess. I became familiar with it in December and began to fall in love with the music rapidly.

This week, Adam Pascal, Josh Groban, Kerry Ellis and Idina Menzel performed it in London for two special kickass shows.

I would've loved to go, but I found awesome videos of it.

CHECK THEM OUT!

I have some posted on my livejournal. You're welcome to go there and comment. My name on livejournal is the same as on here: xrajahx.

You won't regret it.

If for some reason the livejournal thing won't work, PM me and I'll hook you up somehow. It's too good to miss.

REVIEWWWWW!


	7. Canonfic Love, Confines, and Cleaning

WOOOHOOO UPDATE!

Hiyah! I'm sorry if it seemed like you had to wait awhile.

My theater class has been busy putting on RENT - and you'd better believe I was VERY involved in that process.

But I've been working on this chapter for awhile.

The show (which went amazing) is over now. As is school, basically. :)

By the way, I not only directed RENT, but I was MAUREEN!! IT WAS SO FUN, OMG.

Kay. Done. Read. Review. Thanks.

* * *

(The fanfic characters have another rendezvous, meeting secretly with Mimi and Roger hours later. Mimi and Roger have successfully rebelled against the system for a brief lapse. Now, angry site administrators are hunting down Roger, attempting to force him, by any means necessary, back into the fandom. Mimi is a bit torn, caught in-between all this. Having acted on impulse, she voluntarily went against the FANFICTION DOT NET system and went off on a short romantic tryst with Roger from the fandom. However, not having actually quit fanfics completely, she is unsure of what to do. The other characters meet, relieved to see that Roger has not been found yet.)

**ALL:**

525,600 FANFICS,

525,600 TORTUROUS TALES,

525,600 FANFICS, WHAT DO THEY DO

WHEN THE SYSTEM FAILS?

WHEN SOMEONE SEEKS FREEDOM,

WHEN NONCANON DRIVES THEM INSANE,

WHEN FANFICS GET TOO AWFUL TO BARE,

WHEN 525,600 FANFICS,

MAKE SOMEONE WANT TO PULL OUT THEIR HAIR?

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

WHAT ABOUT LOVE?

WE WANT THAT LOVE!

CANONFIC LOVE!

LIBRETTO LOVE, CANONFIC LOVE...

**ROGER:**

525,600 SLASHFICS,

THERE'S NOT THAT MANY YET,

BUT THERE WILL BE BEFORE LONG...

WHAT HAPPENED TO CANON ROGERFIC?

LIKE ME LOVING MIMI AND SEARCHING

AIMLESSLY FOR THAT ONE GREAT SONG?

**MIMI:**

I DON'T HAVE THE GUTS,

TO SAY NO TO IT,

BUT TOO LONG WITHOUT ROGER,

MADE ME HAVE A FIT!

**ALL:**

IT'S TIME NOW TO REBEL,

THO' THERE'S NO REAL WAY,

TO KILL NONCANONFIC ANY DAY!

BRING BACK THAT LOVE... etc.

**MAUREEN:**

OH, WE'VE GOT TO, WE'VE GOT TO

BRING BACK THAT CANONFIC LOVE!

YOU KNOW THAT JLAR'S GIFT WAS FROM ABOVE!

SHARE CANON, GIVE CANON, WRITE CANON!

CANONFIC LOVE!

* * *

(The site administrators apprehend Roger after Benny rats him out and reveals his location. The people in charge are upset with him and the rest of the Bohos, locking them in their tiny somewhere-place. They seem to be under punishment, both for Roger's withdrawal from fics, Mimi's willingness to rebel with him, and Maureen's show. The site's admins seem to forget how long Roger has stayed in the house before, thinking he'll somehow go stir-crazy. The other characters grow restless, and so Roger agrees to help them try to escape, after they see email alerts requesting canon pairings.)

**MARK: **

STUPID FUCKING PADLOCKED DOOR.

WE'RE LOCKED UP LIKE PRISONERS.

IT'S TIME TO BREAK OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE...

(Roger and Mimi attempt to pry the lock off the door.)

**MIMI: **

HOW MANY EMAIL ALERTS FOR YOU, NOW?

**ROGER:**

THREE AND A HALF MILLION.

**MIMI:**

YOU'VE GIVEN UP FANFIC - I'M GOING BACK,

BACK FOR CANON - BUT CANON OR NOT –

WE'LL NEVER BE HOT, BECAUSE MIMICANON

WITHOUT YOU'S NEVER COOL...

I COULDN'T GIVE UP FANFIC ENTIRELY,

I GUESS, BUT SOONER OR LATER THE

WHOLE FANDOM WILL EXPLODE!

IT'S GOING TO BE A FUCKING MESS!

A BIG FUCKING MESS...

**MARK:**

COAST IS CLEAR,

EMAIL ALERTS ARE NOT WORKING

UNTIL MIDNIGHT... HOWEVER...

THAT ISN'T MUCH TIME.

**MIMI:**

MAYBE THEY'LL FORGET?

I MEAN SOME OF THE FANFIC AUTHORS

DO HAVE LIVES OUTSIDE OF THIS WEBSITE...

**MAUREEN:**

(speaks up) FICS, ANYONE?

**MARK:**

(shaking head)

YOU CAN TAKE THE LOVE OUT OF FANFICS,

BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE FANFICS OUT OF THE LOVE.

**MAUREEN:**

THE WRITERS ARE PROTESTING

THIS MOVE, WE'LL BE OUT BEFORE TOO SOON...

**MIMI:**

IT'D BE NICE, INDEED

IF THEY SOMEHOW LEARNED A LESSON.

**MAUREEN:**

WELL, DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH... ANY LUCK?

**ROGER:**

(also shaking head no)

NOT THAT I CARE... HEY, WHERE'S BENNY,

THAT FUCKING PAIN... MAN, WHAT A DICK!

**MAUREEN:**

(exasperated)

HE'S STILL IN MY FANFIC!

(dials number on phone)

BENNY? YOU'RE NOT LOCKED IN?

CARE TO EXPLAIN? OH, TODAY?

IT'S NOT FUNNY, IT'S NOT FAIR!

I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC! IT'S NOT OKAY.

THE ADMINS LOST CONTROL,

THEY THINK WE NEED TO BEHAVE,

AND NOW LOOK AT US...

WE'RE LOCKED UP LIKE SLAVES!

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY OVER?

(to others)

GUYS, HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER.

BENNY, YOU'D BETTER EXPLAIN YOUR CASE!

**BENNY:**

(enters, flanked by site admins, who block the door)

MAUREEN, SHUT YOUR FACE.

SERIOUSLY GIRL, LEARN YOUR PLACE!

(The Bohos all glare.)

**BENNY:**

I'VE BEEN WORKING CLOSELY

WITH FANFIC DOT NET'S TOP FOLKS.

THEY MIGHT LET YOU OUT, THERE'S HOPE...

BUT FOR NOW, GUYS, NO JOKES.

**MARK:**

WE COULD THROW THOSE GUYS...

(points to the admins)

**ROGER:**

...OFF THE FIRE ESCAPE!

**MARK:**

... AND TIE BENNY TO...

**MARK AND ROGER:**

THAT BENCH!

**MAUREEN:**

(sadly to Benny)

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE SUCCUMBED.

**BENNY:**

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, MO.

**ROGER:**

I THINK I SHOULD MURDER YOU,

BUT I CAN'T THINK OF A FITTING WAY!

AFTER WHAT YOU DID, WHEN I WENT AND HID,

IT SHOULD BE PAINFUL AND IT SHOULD BE TODAY!

LAST WEEK, BY FANFICS YOU WERE QUITE IMPRESSED

BUT ... NOW SUDDENLY YOU SIDE

WITH THE ADMINS OVER US?

WHAT A FUCKING MESS...

YOU'RE A FUCKING MESS...

**COLLINS:**

FUCKED. WE'RE FUCKED.

**ANGEL:**

BENNY, HOW COULD YOU

BE SUCH AN AWFUL PERSON?

**MIMI:**

ANGEL, HE DOESN'T CARE!

**ANGEL:**

HE WAS A BOHO ONCE,

AND A FRIEND TOO...

HOW CAN THIS BE FAIR?

**COLLINS:**

AH, THAT'S BENJAMIN COFFIN...

AN ASSHOLE.

**MIMI:**

AND A BIG SHITHEAD TOO.

**ROGER:**

YOU FORGET BACKSTABBING JERK!

**COLLINS:**

ANGEL, THE BOOTS!

**ANGEL:**

(kicks Benny hard with her large heels)

JUST SAY THE WORD!

**MIMI:**

TWO MINUTES LEFT

BEFORE THE ADMINS REOPEN EMAILS...

**COLLINS:**

AND THE FANFIC AUTHORS?

**ROGER:**

STILL WRITING GOD-AWFUL TALES!

**MARK:**

IT'S TRUE, IT'S A FUCKING MESS,

AND WE'RE STUCK IN IT, I GUESS.

ONCE THE EMAIL ALERTS COME BACK ON,

THE WRITERS WILL STILL BE MAD

BECAUSE NOW WE'RE ALL GONE!

* * *

(A fanfic author approaches the bolted door and knocks.)

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

MARK COHEN, LIKEOHMIGOD,

IT'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN EVER!

**MARK:**

(sighs) Ooh, this girl is such a stalker.

**FANFIC AUTHOR:**

YOU'RE LOCKED UP IN THE BREAK ROOM,

WHAT THE FUCK? FEATURE FANFIC: ABOUT MARKY...

UPDATE TIME! I'M SENDING IT TO THE DOCUMENT MANAGER!

HOORAY, HOORAY! MARKY, IT'S TIME TO COME OUT...

I'M UPDATING AT EXACTLY TWELVE OH TWO TONIGHT,

AND CHAPTER TWO WILL BE READY BY THIS TIME TOMORROW NIGHT,

AND CHAPTER THREE BY THIS WEEKEND,

AND FOUR BY NEXT WEEK, MAYBE... THURSDAY MORNING?

AND CHAPTER FIVE ON...

(One of the site admins drags her away from the door.)

**MAUREEN:**

(looking at the remaining site admin blocking the door)

I THINK WE NEED A CHAINSAW...

**MARK:**

(sarcastically) REALLY?

**JOANNE:**

THAT'S AWFUL HARSH...

**MARK:**

BUT I WOULDN'T MIND...

**MAUREEN:**

YEAH! OR EVEN A GUN...

WE COULD SHOOT AND THEN ALL RUN!

**MARK:**

MAUREEN, I HATE TO SAY

WE'RE NOT GOOD AT SCHEMES.

**JOANNE:**

BOO-HOO.

**MAUREEN:**

WE COULD PLAN ANOTHER PROTEST!

**JOANNE:**

NO.

**MAUREEN:**

THIS TIME IT'LL BE

ABOUT THE ADMINS,

THE WRITERS WILL UNDERSTAND,

BECAUSE OF ME!

**ALL:**

(stampeding the remaining site admin and knocking him out cold)

5, 4, 3... OPEN SESAME!

(break down the door and enter the fandom)

LOOK, WHAT A MESS! A FUCKING MESS...

A BIG FUCKING...

(they trail off, as Benny steps forth, in from of them.)

**BENNY:**

I SEE THAT YOU'VE EVADED

THEM ONCE AGAIN.

**ROGER:**

(inquiring about Benny's tip to the admins)

HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS?

**BENNY:**

(winking) FROM A FRIEND.

**MARK:**

BENNY, STEP AWAY.

**BENNY:**

I'M HERE TO STOP YOU ALL,

BECAUSE NOW, YOU SEE,

I HEED THE SITE ADMINS' CALL.

**MIMI:**

WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN

DID YOU JOIN THEIR SIDE?

**BENNY:**

(evil smile) THE CREDIT IS YOURS,

AND NOW ROGER'S FRIED...!

**ROGER:**

(looks from Mimi to Benny)

I'M FRIED?

**BENNY:**

MIMI CONFIDED IN ME

AND SHE HAD SO MUCH TO SAY!

**MIMI:**

(tears forming in her eyes)

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I

WAS DOING AT ALL YESTERDAY...

**BENNY:**

AND I COULDN'T STOP THINKING

ABOUT WHAT TO DO, MARK,

YOU'D BETTER GET THIS ON FILM!!

**MARK:**

FUCK YOU!

**BENNY:**

(to Roger)

I REGRET THAT I HAD

TO RESORT TO TURNING

YOU OVER TO THE ADMINS...

**ROGER:**

BULLSHIT, YOU KNEW THEY'D COME

AND PADLOCK OUR DOOR!

**BENNY:**

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE

THAT MY ACTIONS WILL BENEFIT THE FANDOM,

YOU SHOULD BE MORE LIKE ME...

**ANGEL:**

YEAH RIGHT!

**MARK:**

I'M SORRY,

BUT I CAN'T BE LIKE YOU, BENNY.

**BENNY:**

WELL, TRY!

**ROGER:**

OH, I SEE,

THIS IS YOUR REDEMPTION OPPORTUNITY?

**MAUREEN:**

THE HUMBLE OLD FRIEND

TRIES TO MAKE THE BOHOS

SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS...

WERE YOU PLANNING ON

PUTTING ROGER IN CUFFS AND

THROWING HIM TO THE SLASHFANS TOO?

**ROGER:**

OH NO, NOT TODAY!

**BENNY:**

TURNING ROGER IN

WAS A FANDOM CONCERN,

THERE WERE RIOTS GOING ON,

HE NEEDS TO RETURN...

**MAUREEN:**

WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT

PEOPLE YOU HATE INSTEAD

OF THE PEOPLE WHO FORCED US

TO BE IN THIS POOR STATE?

**BENNY:**

I'D HONESLTY RATHER

YOU'D COME QUIETLY THAN BE LOCKED UP...

**ROGER:**

OH COME ON, BENNY...

JUST SHUT UP.

**BENNY:**

(wraps an arm around Mimi)

MIMI, SINCE YOU'RE REALLY ON MY SIDE NOW...

**MIMI:**

DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!

**BENNY:**

…PERSUADE THEM TO COME ALONG,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW!

**ROGER:**

LIAR!

**BENNY:**

WHY NOT TELL ROGER

WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO MY FACE?

**MIMI:**

(sounding remorseful)

I WAS SCARED THAT HE'D GET HURT!

**BENNY:**

(to Roger)...YOUR HIDING PLACE!

AND I CALLED THE ADMINS

AND THEY RAN TO FIND YOU...

**MIMI:**

(crying) I WAS ONLY AFRAID OF WHAT

THE RIOTERS WOULD DO!

**BENNY:**

DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND

UNDERSTAND THAT YOU TOOK AWAY

HIS CHANCE?

**ROGER:**

(with an angry, betrayed glance at Mimi)

I'M NO LONGER HER BOYFRIEND,

SHE WON'T GET IN THESE PLAID PANTS...

**ANGEL:**

PEOPLE, IS THIS ANY WAY

TO SOLVE THIS CONFLICT?

THINK FOR A MINUTE,

ARGUING DOES NO GOOD!

**BENNY:**

THANKS, ANGEL,

FOR SEEING THE LIGHT,

I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD.

**ANGEL:**

WELL, NOT SO FAST,

I STILL THINK THIS IS HELL.

**BENNY:**

(nodding a bit)

IT'S ALL BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION,

THAT I CAN TELL.

**COLLINS:**

NOW WE'RE ENEMIES?

**BENNY:**

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO...

FUCK THIS MESS!

**ALL:**

NO, BENNY, FUCK YOU!

(They push him away, and, flustered, he leaves.)

**ANGEL:**

(to Collins) LET'S GO BE IN

A COLLINSANGEL!

**COLLINS:**

I'LL SAY YES TO THAT!

**MIMI:**

I WON'T COMPLETELY LEAVE FICS...

**JOANNE:**

THO' THEY MAY SOMETIMES BE SHIT...

**MAUREEN:**

I DO ENJOY A GOOD CANON HIT...

**MARK:**

FANFIC CAN SOMETIMES BE FUN...

**ROGER:**

THAT DEPENDS!

**MIMI:**

DEPENDS ON PAIRINGS!

**ROGER:**

DEPENDS ON TRUE LOVE, NOT SLASH!

**JOANNE:**

DEPENDS ON THE AUTHOR!

**MARK:**

DEPENDS ON RENT'S CANON

NOT BEING TRASHED!

**ROGER:**

MAYBE...

**ALL:**

IT WON'T BE

SUCH A FUCKING MESS...!

**ROGER:**

(with a long look to Mimi) I GUESS...

**ALL:**

IT'S NOT REALLY A FUCKING MESS...

**ROGER:**

(sits down as the others prepare to reenter fics)

YOU'RE RIGHT!

**ANGEL:**

WE CAN CLEAN UP THIS FANDOM'S MESS!

YES WE CAN!

(Everyone but Mimi and Roger leaves. Roger stands, his back to Mimi. She approaches.)

**ROGER AND MIMI:**

(together) I'M SORRY.

(Roger hugs her.)

**ROGER:**

LEAVING?

**MIMI:**

(nodding sadly, having resigned herself to fics)

I SHOULD GO...

(She leaves. Then, without warning, a group of site admins surrounds Roger. Before he can do anything, they hit him over the head with a computer keyboard and he is knocked out.)

**SITE ADMIN:**

WELL, WELL, WELL...

WHAT HAVE WE HERE, HUH?

WE'RE GOING TO CLEAN UP...

THIS BIG FUCKING MESS.

(to the other site admins, as he points at Roger)

THAT'S HIM, THERE... THAT'S HIM...

* * *

Short installment, but I couldn't resist the cliffhanger.

REVIEW PLEASE!!

I'll update as soon as I figure out what to do with TMOLM... :-/

So here's what I want you to take with you if anything from this chapter, because there was a lot of twists and turns…

**-Roger and Mimi rebelled against FANFICTION DOT NET.**

**-Roger went back into hiding as angry site admins hunted for him to try to bring him back by force.**

**-Mimi, worrying for Roger's safety in the mayhem, accidentally revealed Roger's hiding place to Benny.**

**-Benny, who has joined forces with the site admins, has gone completely pro-fanfic and betrayed the Bohos.**

**-There is a confrontation in which the Bohos break out of the confines of their punishment.**

**-Mimi and Roger come to an understanding. She reenters fanfics, having chosen her fate.**

**-Roger is (GASP) captured by site admins…**

_Also, keep Mimi's motives in mind. Maybe, judging by her lines at the beginning of "HAPPY NEW YEAR A", she secretly wants Roger to return to fics…?_

Ponder that one.

Oh, and review!


	8. Fighting, Angst, and Roger's Revelation

:)

Hello, everyone! I'm back!

Sorry my cliffhanger left you hanging for awhile.

I didn't mean for it to be so long 'til this update was posted... but I had no clue what to do with Take Me or Leave Me!! I was stumped! And then it got even harder!! It's a difficult fic to write, but it's so much fun!

Thanks for the reviews!

When this story's over, I'm starting a little humor ficlet and then... I may consider a sequel. Any ideas about that? Tell me!

P.S.: Please consider this as you are reading: WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH "CONTACT?"

* * *

(All is not well for our beloved Fanfic Characters. Roger has been taken away by the admins for extended leave from the fandom. They intend to, by any means necessary, force him to reenter the world of fanfics. Meanwhile, tensions are climbing among the characters due to recent developments.)

**MARK: **

It's been eight days since we last saw Roger.

Mimi's been really withdrawn, feeling guilty that

She complained about not having Roger in canonfics

Because now she doesn't have him at all.

She keeps talking about busting into the site's main admin

Area and getting Roger out of there, even though we'd have

No clue of how the hell to do that.

Yet she's still kinda pissed at him, we aren't sure

Exactly what she's feeling about him.

God knows where Collins and Angel are at the moment...

Could be in a romance fic or off protesting Roger's capture.

Maureen and Joanne are getting ready for a MoJo...

**JOANNE:**

Maureen, I said, the fic's not started yet, don't take off your top!

**MAUREEN:**

And I said, "Why?"

**MARK:**

That is, if they can make it to the actual fic. Me? I'm here... nowhere.

(Lights go up on the scene, showing Maureen and Joanne lounging around, obviously pissed as they wait for the upload of a MoJo.)

**JOANNE:**

The rule is : No undressing before the fic starts,

Due to complications involving Idina/Maureen fangirls.

Why is that so difficult?

**MAUREEN:**

I just... don't understand,

Are you really that concerned about fangirls?

**JOANNE:**

Yes! Haven't you heard the Idina

(winces) "Fanzels" discussing how sexy you are?

**MAUREEN:**

It's a compliment!

**JOANNE:**

It bugs me.

**MAUREEN:**

That's it, Miss Jealousy!

**JOANNE:**

What?

**MAUREEN:**

Ever since Roger was taken, I've kept quiet.

I haven't once protested.

I didn't stage a violent uprising against the admins

Because it made you nervous.

I didn't stay and greet Maureen fans last night

After the fic because YOU were fucking jealous, Jo!

**JOANNE: **

They were ogling your lady bits.

**MAUREEN:**

That's what this is about?

There will always be fans ogling me!

Give me a break!

EVERY SINGLE DAY,

I'M WRITTEN INTO TALES,

THE AUTHORS POUT AND SAY, "MO BAAABY",

AND IT NEVER FAILS!

EVER SINCE 1996,

I'M ADMIRED BY DUDES AND CHICKS,

FANGIRLS, FANBOYS,

I CAN'T HELP IT, BAAABY!

SO BE CALM, AND STOP WRINGING YOUR PALMS!

ALWAYS REMEMBER THE MOJO, BAABY!

DON'T FORGET WHO I AM!

WHO JLAR WROTE ME TO BE!

AND IN THIS CRAZY FANDOM,

I'LL BE YOUR BAAABY,

IF YOU'LL ONLY TAKE ME!

IF YOU'LL ONLY TAKE ME...

ROGER'S LOCKED UP IN A CAGE,

AND SO NOW EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS

AND FORGETTING TO HAVE FUN!

CANON'S WHAT THIS AUTHOR WILL CHOOSE!

RELAX, JO, KICK OFF YOUR SHOES,

YOU'LL LOVE THIS FIC, I PROMISE YOU, BAABY!

SO BE MINE, IT'S A WASTE OF TIME,

TO WORRY IF THE FANGIRLS

ARE STEALING YOUR MO BAABY!

DON'T FORGET WHO I AM!

I'M MAUREEN JOHNSON, ME!

I'LL ALWAYS BE YOURS IN THIS FANDOM,

NO MATTER WHAT FICS SAY, JUST TAKE ME!

NO WAY, CAN MAUREEN BE FORGOT!

BECAUSE HEY, DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR GIRL'S HOT?

DON'T FRET, DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD,

'CAUSE IN EVERY MOJO... IT'S ME IN YOUR BED!

ME! MAUREEN IN YOUR BED... OKAY, POOKIE?

**JOANNE:**

THIS WON'T WORK!

FANGIRLS... I DON'T HAVE LOTS,

I LOVE MOJO BUT HONESTLY!

THESE IDINA FANS GO CRAZY,

THEY'VE GOT THE HOTS!

NEVER WOULD I BELIEVE YOU'D

LEAVE ME - FOR SOME TEENAGE FAN, BUT GEE!

I CAN'T HELP BUT BE ANNOYED BY IT, BAABY!

SO JUST BE WISE, THO' HAVING FANS SATISFIES,

I'M YOUR REAL PRIZE, NOT THOSE FANGIRLS AND GUYS,

YOU ARE ONE LUCKY BAAABY!

DON'T FORGET WHO I AM!

**MAUREEN:**

A MOJO FREAK!

**JOANNE:**

WHO JLAR WROTE ME TO BE!

**MAUREEN:**

WORRIED THAT FANGIRLS WILL STEAL ME?

**JOANNE:**

AND IN THIS CRAZY FANDOM...

**MAURREN:**

JUST NERVOUS IN ALL THE MAYHEM!

**JOANNE:**

I'M YOURS BAABY, JUST TAKE ME!

**MAUREEN:**

AND FLIPPING OUT ON ME!

**BOTH:**

THAT'S IT!

**JOANNE:**

THIS FIC WON'T EVER GET DONE!

**BOTH:**

I QUIT!

**JOANNE:**

LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE!

**BOTH:**

WHEN...

**MAUREEN:**

ONE WITHOUT THE DELAY?

**BOTH:**

TENSION IS BORN IN THE MELEE!

DON'T FORGOT WHO WE ARE!

WHO JLAR WROTE US TO BE!

WRITE CANONFIC IF YOU GIVE A DAMN

... AND ROGER WILL COME BACK... MAYBE!

WRITE NONCANON?

WELL MAYBE... YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF THIS,

AND ROGER'S GONE!

* * *

(It has become quite evident that recent events are causing everything to fall apart. Tensions are high for the Bohemians and Roger is still contained at some unknown location. The remaining characters, tired of all the tense atmospheres and chaos, come together for a moment, blankly wondering what to do next.)

**FANFIC CHARACTERS:**

IN DRAMA, ROMANCE, FLUFF,

IN SPOOKY HORROR, IN HUMOR CRACKFICS,

IN ADVENTURES, ANGSTFICS, IN TRAGEDIES TOO...

IN FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE

THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FANFICS...

HOW DO YOU FIGURE,

THE WORST TORTURE ON EARTH?

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

WHERE IS ROGER?

WHERE'S THE ROGER LOVE?

THE CANONFIC LOVE?

CANONFIC LOVE, CANONFIC LOVE!

* * *

(Several hours later, Mimi is alone in the somewhere-place. She is sitting, looking quite forlorn. Roger approaches, appearing quite hurried and a bit frazzled. Mimi leaps from her seated position and runs to him, hugging him tightly.)

**MIMI:**

(in relief) OH MY GOD, WHERE WERE YOU?

**ROGER:**

I DON'T EVEN KNOW... BUT NOW I...

**MIMI:**

(suddenly pulling away)

Wait, I know... you're going back to sulk?

You're going to pout outside of fanfics?

No, you're going to ignore me and focus on your stupid protest!

(crossing her arms) And what about RogMimi?

**ROGER:**

(reaches for her)

MIMI... I'M SORRY, I...

**MIMI:**

(slaps his hands away)

I HAVE TO GO DO A FANFIC.

**ROGER:**

WAIT! I SHOULD TELL YOU, I SHOULD...

(eyes Mimi's upset face) NEVER MIND. (turns away).

**MIMI:**

(slipping up a bit in her anger)

I'm glad you're okay. (leaves hastily)

(Roger takes a seat in Mimi's chair. He pulls out a FANFIC TERMINATION CONTRACT, stamped and ready to be sent out to the admins. If sent, this paper would delete all fanfics and erase the RENT section on FANFICTION DOT NET. It seems that in Roger's escape from the admins, he stole this valuable document. He stares distantly at it for a moment, then glances at the exit where Mimi departed. With a bitter smile, he rips the paper to shreds. He stands, as if considering following Mimi into Fanfics. Then, dejectedly, he sits.)

* * *

(Mimi is alone in a fanfic that was forced to become an angsty Mimi drabble, but was supposed to be a RogMimi romance. She sighs sadly.)

**MIMI:**

WITHOUT ROGER,

HE IS GLAD,

SLASH-WRITERS ARE MAD,

THE ROGER FICS FADE...

WITHOUT ROGER,

CANON SEEDS ROOT,

MARKOCS BLOOM,

AND COLLINS AND ANGEL PLAY,

CUSS WORDS STREAM,

ROGERMIMI SHIPPERS DREAM,

FANGIRLS CRY,

WITHOUT ROGER.

THE SITE CHURNS,

NONCANON BURNS,

AND I DIE... WITHOUT ROGER!

WITHOUT ROGER...

ADMIN WARNS,

ANGEL SMILES,

FICS MOVE,

WITHOUT ROGER,

FANDOMS CHANGE,

FANGIRLS WEEP,

PROTESTS CRASH,

ROGER FANS ROAR,

INSULTS SOAR,

CANON DIES...

WITHOUT ROGER.

THE ANGER GROWS,

STREAM OF TEARS FLOWS,

AND I DIE... WITHOUT ROGER.

(Back in the somewhere-place, Roger laments sadly, as he comes to some sort of realization.)

**ROGER:**

CANON CAN REVIVE...

**MIMI:**

'SHIPS CAN RENEW...

**BOTH:**

BUT I MISS YOU...

ONLY YOU, LONELY YOU,

WITHIN ME YOU... WITHOUT FICS.

**MIMI:**

WITHOUT ROGER,

THE HAND TYPES,

THE EAR BLEEDS,

THE PULSE SLOWS...

**ROGER:**

WITHOUT FICS,

THE EYES READ,

THE LEGS SWAY,

THE LUNGS STAGGER...

**BOTH:**

THE HEART YEARNS,

THE ANGER CHURNS,

THE TEARS WON'T DRY,

WITHOUT FICS.

LIFE GOES ON BUT I'M GONE

'CAUSE I DIE...

**ROGER:**

WITHOUT FICS!

**MIMI:**

WITHOUT ROGER!

**ROGER:**

WITHOUT MIMI!

**BOTH:**

WITHOUT YOU...

* * *

(A call comes in to the somewhere place. Roger, with a start, listens carefully as the admins threaten.)

**SITE ADMIN:**

MARK COHEN,

ROGER DAVIS ESCAPED

EARLIER THIS EVENING,

FROM OUR HIGH SECURITY COMPOUND.

HE IS CARRYING A VALUABLE DOCUMENT.

JUST SAW A GUARD, TOLD ME ROGER

KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS AND MADE A RUN FOR IT...

NO KIDDING!

WE NEED TO GET HIM INTO FANFICS,

WE'LLL GIVE YOU MONEY,

YOU KNOW YOU WANT MONEY!

PICK UP THE PHONE,

DON'T BE AFRAID TO TURN HIM IN!

MARKY - TELL US WHERE HE IS - NOT KIDDING!

WE'RE WAITING!

* * *

(It is several hours later. The Fanfic Characters, delighted to see Roger, meet up in the loft for a discreet reunion. Roger and Mimi regard ech other with awkwardness after their fight. Alerts for MARKROGER SLASH continue to pour in. Mark proceeds to reflect on how the slash writers miss Roger the most. The group begins to chant about MarkRoger slash fics.)

**ROGER, MARK, & JOANNE:**

HOT HOT HOT GAY BOYS!

BOHOS IN LOVE! HEAT!

HOT HOT HOT HOT SLASH!

MARK AND ROGER... CRASH!

PLEASE PLEASE STOP THE SLASH

PLEASE PLEASE STOP THE FILTH

STOP THIS NONSENSE PLEASE STOP

PLEASE STOP PLEASE!

HOT HOT HOT ROGER

WITH DORK NERD GEEK MARKY!

SICK, GROSS, NOT RIGHT, GOD!

STEAMY, SCREAMY, JOKING? IF ONLY!

**MIMI, COLLINS, MAUREEN, & ANGEL:**

(joining in) HOT HOT HOT CANON?

NO? SLASH? FUCK! WHY SLASH?

**COLLINS:**

SLASH!

**MAUREEN:**

IS!

**MIMI:**

SICK!

**COLLINS:**

GROSS!

**MAUREEN:**

PISS!

**COLLINS:**

SHIT!

**MIMI:**

CRAP!

**MIMI, MAUREEN, & COLLINS:**

FEARED!

**COLLINS:**

NASTY!

**COLLINS, MIMI, & MAUREEN:**

ROGERMARK, MARKROGER,

ROGERMARK, MARKROGER...

**MAUREEN:**

HOTTER!

**ANGEL:**

ROGER!

**MAUREEN:**

GAY!

**MIMI:**

WITH MARK??

**COLLINS:**

NO MORE!

**MAUREEN:**

CAN'T TAKE IT!

**MIMI & ANGEL:**

SNORE!

**MAUREEN:**

IT'S ALL SHIT!

**MAUREEN, COLLINS, & MIMI:**

MIMI? NO MIMI - NO HET - YES MARK,

NO MIMI! ALL: GAY LOVE GAY LOVE, MARK,

YES! NO MIMI! ROGER ROGER... MARK!

MARKROGER ROGERMARK MARKROGER

LOVERS WHAT A BUMMER!

(The music explodes into a fevered rhythmic pulse as Roger surfaces from within the chanting Fanfic Characters... taking several paces toward the exit into Fanfics and stopping.)

**ROGER:**

TAKE ME, TORTURE ME?

TAKE ME...? NO! NO!

MAKE ME, MAKE ME GAY? NO!

TODAY MIMI, TOMORROW MARK?

TODAY STRAIGHT, TOMORROW GAY,

TOMORROW... FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU... YEAH!

I SAID FUCK YOU!

HATE ME, I DON'T CARE, SLASH-WRITERS!

(The Fanfic characters begin to calm after Roger's outburst.)

**ROGER:**

(catching breath) UM...

**JOANNE:**

WAIT!

**MIMI:**

(points to alert board) FICS!

**COLLINS:**

SHIT!

**JOANNE:**

FUCK...

**ROGER:**

(still furious, looks for shreds of FANFICTION TERMINATION CONTRACT, with Scotch tape in his hand)

WHERE'D IT GO?

**MIMI:**

(across the room, throwing away the shreds of paper.)

SAFE!

**COLLINS:**

(points to pile of alerts for Roger)

DAMN!

**MAUREEN:**

PRERENT MARKMAUREEN...

I'D RATHER BE GREEN!

**ALL:**

FICS ARE BAD FOR ME,

ARE THEY BAD FOR YOU?

**JOANNE:**

(suddenly frustrated) FUCK FANFICS!

**MAUREEN: **

(in agreement) FUCK FANFICS!

**ROGER:**

(with a burst of anger at not finding the shreds of paper, we see Roger is torn about what he wants)

FUCK FANFICS!

**COLLINS:**

(grabbing Angel's hand at the sight of an ANGELOC fic alert.)

FUCK FANFICS!

**MIMI:**

(still standing by trash can, looks across the room forlornly at Roger and says half-heartedly)

FUCK FANFICS…

* * *

(It is the next day. Maureen and Mark have completed their PreRENT MARKMAUREEN fic, and Angel went off disgustedly to be in the ANGEL OC. The Fanfic characters file into the room to see Roger sitting beside a distraught Angel, rubbing her back as she cries.)

**MIMI:**

(entering, looks at her best friend, narrates)

ANGEL IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

IT'S NOT RIGHT THAT THEY TORTURE HER SO –

BECAUSE SHE'S SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON.

I KNEW SHE WAS UPSET FROM BEING IN THAT OC FIC

FROM THE LOOK ON HER FACE.

THAT STUPID AUTHOR MUST HAVE HARASSED HER...

I'LL JUST WALK RIGHT UP TO HER AND SAY,

"COLLINS IS MORE YOUR MAN THAN ANY OC,

AND WILL BE YOUR MAN FOREVER AND EVER I BET!"

(rushes to Angel and comforts her)

**MARK:**

(walks in talking about PreRENT MarkMaureen)

...AND THEN I HAD TO KISS HER PASSIONATELY

IN THE RAIN, AND I WAS DELIGHTED BECAUSE A-

EVERYONE KNOWS I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER

AND B- BECAUSE THAT'S THE MOST ACTION I'VE

GOTTEN IN A LONG TIME.

(eyes the situation and walks closer, deciding how to help)

I'LL JUST OFFER TO BUY ANGEL SOME

CHOCOLATE AT ALPHABET CITY CHOCOLATIER

AND HELP HER FIND A COLLINSANGEL FLUFF/SMUT.

**MAUREEN:**

(walks in and proclaims)

ANGEL IS SO MUCH MORE UNDESERVING

OF THIS THAN ANY OF US.

I MEAN- YOU FIND A DVD CALLED RENT

AND YOU POP IT IN AND WATCH IT-

AND IN MINUTES, SURE ENOUGH,

YOU FIND YOURSELF LOVING EVERYTHING

ABOUT HER!

ANGEL ALWAYS SAID HOW LUCKY WE

WERE TO BE EMBRACED BY SUCH LOVING FANS,

BUT IT'S THEM, ANGEL... (narrows eyes in warning)

THEY ARE THE LUCKY ONES... TO HAVE US.

**COLLINS:**

(walks over to Angel and sits on the other side of her, hugging her close, he sings sadly) DO WHAT I PLEASE, BECAUSE I'M AN AUTHOR,

AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE, DEAR.

BE IN MY FANFIC - I'LL TORTURE YOU!

I AM A FAN,

BUT I DON'T LIKE CANON,

DON'T GOT MUCH TIME TO WRITE

MY NEXT PIECE, BUT OH, DARLING

YOU MUST BE THERE, IN MY FIC,

AND I'LL TORTURE YOU...

I THINK THEY MEANT IT

WHEN THEY SAID THEY HAVE

THE RIGHT, IT'S FREE SPEECH

AND EXPRESSION, BUT THAT

DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T FIGHT...

FOR LIFE, OUR TRUE LIFE!

JUST DO AS I WRITE,

I'LL GET GREAT REVIEWS!

MY FIC IS PERFECT, AS PERFECT AS ME!...

YOU FUCK JOANNE

AND COLLINS GO FUCK MARK...

NO, YOU FUCK MAUREEN,

AND COLLINS FUCK MIMI...

I THINK THEY MEANT IT,

WHEN THEY SAID "I WRITE ALL SLASH",

AND I GUESS THAT NOTHING MATTERS,

LARSON'S CANON THEY SHALL TRASH...

ALL DAY, AND ALL NIGHT...

I'VE LONGED TO DISCOVER A FIC

THAT IS TRUE TO THE CANON!

(The following lines are sung simultaneously.)

**JOANNE: **

(walking in)

SO, WITH THREE THOUSAND SIX WORDS,

I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**COLLINS: **

'CAUSE I'M BORED AND I WANT TO.

**JOANNE: **

WITH TWO THOUSAND OC FICS,

I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**COLLINS:**

I'VE GOT ONE HOUR ONLY...

'TIL YOU'RE WORN

OUT AND TIRED...

**JOANNE:**

WITH ONE MILLION

SLASH FANFICS... I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**COLLINS:**

'TIL CANON HAS EXPIRED!

**JOANNE:**

WITH TWENTY BILLION

CLICHE FICS... I'LL TORTURE YOU.

**ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS:**

(joining in sadly) OH - CANON, I'LL TORTURE YOU, YEAH!

OH , CANON... I'LL TORTURE YOU.

* * *

(Some time has clearly passed. We see Mark, alone, wandering away from Fanfics and toward the somewhere-place.)

**MARK:**

(to an author who stops him)

HI... YES, I'M MARK COHEN.

A SLASHFIC?

NO, DON'T BOTHER...

JUST REMEMBER ROGER'S STILL NOT IN FANFICS...

YES, I STILL AM. YES, I SAW YOUR PLOT BUNNY...

THANKS... (author leaves, and Mark sighs dejectedly)

HOW DID WE GET HERE?

HOW THE HELL - REMEMBER-

THE NEDERLANDER THEATER RENT?

HOW DID WE GET HERE- HOW THE HELL?

(bitterly) FANFICTION... FANFICTION DOT NET...

HOW COULD A SITE SO AWESOME STILL BE OH SO CRUEL!

HOW COULD WHAT HELPS KEEP US ALIVE BE KILLING US?

WHY IS THE ENTIRE CANON THROWN INTO

THE TRASH IN THE MINDS OF THESE AUTHORS?

SINGLE MEMORIES OF ONE MAGIC PLAY –

FOREVER LINGER TO THOSE WHO BOTHER TO RECALL

THOSE PRECIOUS TIMES!

THAT'S A PITY... RATHER SHITTY...

WHY CAN'T MIMI BE WITH ROGER

OR COLLINS BE WITH ANGEL,

LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE? - PLEASE.

WHY CAN'T MAUREEN DUMP ME FOR JOANNE?

WHY AM I THROWN IN THIS –

AND SINCE WE'RE EASY TO FUCK AROUND WITH-

... ARE WE THE ONLY CANON SUPPORTERS,

AND ARE WE ALONE?

* * *

(He enters the somewhere-place, finding Roger who appears to be deep in contemplation. He glances at the alert board and flops into a seat, tired and worn. It is time for the Fanfic Characters' break. They begin to pour in to the somewhere-place, all sick, exhausted, and angry. Tension spills over and they start to argue.)

**MIMI:**

(flounces in, despaired, suddenly asks Roger)

IT'S TRUE YOU WERE GOING TO PUT

FORTH A FANFIC TERMINATION?

**ROGER:**

(nods) IT'S TRUE...

I HAD RECONSIDERED IT BUT HEY,

I GUESS YOU THREW MY CHOICE AWAY!

**BENNY:**

(enters, turns to Mark)

WHY DIDN'T YOU TURN ROGER IN, YOU DORK?

**MIMI:**

(pushes Benny out and locks the door)

NOT NOW!

**MAUREEN:**

(obviously angry, unwittingly enters the fight)

WHO SAYS THAT YOU HAVE A SAY IN

WHAT ROGER WANTS TO DO AT ALL, MIMI?

**ROGER:**

YEAH!

**JOANNE:**

(starts to defend Mimi)

SHE'S HIS GIRLFRIEND,

I THINK SHE SHOULD HAVE

HER NOSE IN ROGER'S BUSINESS...

**MAUREEN:**

WHO SAID I WAS ASKING YOU?

**JOANNE:**

SHE HAS TO START A FIGHT

EVERY NIGHT - IN THIS MAYHEM

SHE ONLY WANTS TO PROTEST!

**MARK:**

(tired) CALM DOWN, EVERYONE PLEASE!

**MIMI:**

HE'S THE SAME WAY –

ALWAYS SAYING, "GET AWAY,

QUIT FANFICS, PROTEST ADMINS" –

BUT IT'S ALL SHIT!

**MARK:**

MIMI!

**JOANNE:**

SHE'S OVERREACTING!

**MIMI:**

(with emphasis) HE'S OVERREACTING!

**MARK:**

COME ON!

**JOANNE:**

WOULDN'T DO MOJO

'CAUSE SHE'S TOO FUCKING UPSET!

**MIMI:**

HE'S TOO FUCKING UPSET!

**ROGER:**

(dryly) REALLY, WELL LOOK AT YOU TOO!

**MARK:**

COME ON GUYS, CHILL!

**MIMI AND JOANNE:**

I UNDERSTAND THAT ITS

IN THEIR NATURE TO BE REALLY STUBBORN

AND WANT SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR...

BUT LATELY I RARELY HEAR "I LOVE YOU"!

**ROGER:**

ALL ROGERMIMI FLUFF IS NICE, MIMI,

BUT WHAT ABOUT NONCANON?

YOU CAN'T SAY YOU ENJOY FUCKING MARK OR ANGEL...

AT LEAST I HOPE SO...

**COLLINS:**

GUYS I HAD TO DO A FUCKING COLLINSBENNY TODAY...

SO PLEASE... FOR MY SAKE! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT,

NONCANON, SLASH, AND CLICHE,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT CANON MUST DIE!

JLAR WROTE US TO _BE_ LOVE...

WOULDN'T YOU ALL AGREE?

**ALL:**

WE CAN'T LET THIS BE OUR... GOODBYE...!

(Maureen and Joanne wise up after this speech and reconcile. Mimi, Angel, and Collins leave to be in Fanfics. Roger and Mark are left alone.)

**MAUREEN:**

POOKIE!

**JOANNE:**

HONEYBEAR!

**MAUREEN:**

I MISS MOJO SO MUCH!

**JOANNE:**

I MISS IT TOO.

**MAUREEN:**

I MISS OUR SMUT.

**JOANNE:**

OUR FLUFF, OUR- (kisses Maureen.)

**MAUREEN:**

MARK.

**JOANNE:**

WHAT?

**MAUREEN:**

(quickly) NOTHING, POOKIE!

**JOANNE:**

NO BABY, YOU SAID SOMETHING, WHAT?

**MAUREEN:**

I HAVE A MARKMAUREEN TO DO...

**JOANNE:**

OH FUCK...

**MAUREEN:**

I KNOW- I GOTTA GO...

**JOANNE:**

(stops her) JUST A MINUTE.

**MAUREEN:**

JO, I'LL BE LATE...

**JOANNE:**

HANG ON. (kisses her again)

**MAUREEN:**

ALRIGHT, LET GO OF ME!

**JOANNE:**

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO...

(Joanne lets out a sigh, then they hug and Maureen exits. Joanne slowly follows. An alert board chime sends Collins, Mimi, and Angel out.)

**MARK:**

(to Roger)

I HEAR YOUR ALERT PILE'S REACHED

THE BILLIONS NOW.

**ROGER:**

DON'T HAVE A COW, HOW COULD SHE?

**MARK:**

HOW COULD YOU LET HER GO?

**ROGER:**

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW!!

HOW COULD THEY MAKE ANGEL CRY?

**MARK:**

YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND WHY...

YOU LEFT FANFICS IN YOUR OWN PAIN,

BUT IF YOU STOPPED BEING SELFISH,

YOU'D SEE WE'RE ALL GOING INSANE!

**ROGER:**

(points out) I'VE NEVER BEEN SANE.

**MARK:**

THERE'S TOO MUCH PAIN...

BUT THERE'S FICS YOU COULD CARE ABOUT...

THERE'S CANON... (pointedly) THERE'S ROGERMIMI!

**ROGER:**

BUT THEY WRITE STUPID FANFICS TOO!

**MARK:**

(boldly) WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

**ROGER:**

WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME

WHERE I SHOULD GO AND WHAT TO DO!

**MARK:**

YOUR BFF!

**ROGER:**

BUT WHAT WILL MARK DO?

MARK'S GOT PRERENT MARKMAUREEN,

MARK'S GOT MARKOC AND SHIT,

AND MARK'S GOT SLASHFICS WITH ME...

MARK'S NOTHING WITHOUT FICS.

**MARK:**

WHAT?

**ROGER:**

IT'S YOUR PERSONAL FAILURE...

TO COMBAT YOUR LONELINESS,

MARK, YOU ENJOY IT, DON'T YOU LIE!

DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE!

I KNOW WHY...

YOU'RE ALWAYS REACHING OUT FOR SOMEONE,

AND YOUR SEARCH COMES UP DRY...

YOUR PRETEND THAT IT DOESN'T HURT,

BUT MARKY THOSE FANFICS ARE WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE!

**MARK:**

ROGER THOSE FANFICS ARE

WRITTEN BY OUR FANS...

WHO HELP RENT ITSELF TO SURVIVE!

**ROGER:**

(falters, then hardens)

SHUT THE HELL UP!

**MARK:**

MIMI WANTS YOU IN THE ROGERMIMIS,

AND CANON CONTINUES TO GET MORE WEAK...

**ROGER:**

(softly) BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE.

**MARK:**

RENT IS CLOSING SOON,

RENT IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME,

WE NEED YOU IN FANFICS EVEN MORE!

**ROGER:**

(sadly) I'M TORN... OH, NO!

(looks at alert board, notices the MARKMAUREEN that Maureen mentioned earlier) YOU'D BETTER GO!

**MARK:**

(nods, but finishes) ROGER,

FOR SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS LOVED CANON,

WHO'S HELPING IT TO END?

**ROGER:**

(sits down, obviously affected by Mark's words)

FOR SOMEONE WHO LONGS FOR A REAL

PAIRING OF HIS OWN... WHO FLOUNDERS

BETWEEN FANFICS, ALONE?

(sighs, idly sniffs the moth-eaten, stained couch)

THIS STINKS. I NEED TO THINK.

**MARK:**

(quickly leaves)

**MIMI:**

(enters and glares at Roger)

**ROGER:**

YOU HEARD?

**MIMI:**

EVERY WORD!

YOU DON'T WANT CANONFICS,

WITHOUT NON SLASH GUARANTEES!

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE CANON DIE!

I JUST CAME TO SAY, COME BACK LOVE,

COME BACK LOVE! CAME TO SAY WE NEED YOU!

ROGER...

(The following lines are sung simultaneously as Roger gradually approaches her)

**ROGER:**

CANON! ONE FANFIC, CANON!

I HAVE TO FIND...

**MIMI:**

JUST CAME TO SAY: COME BACK, LOVE!

COME BACK, ROGER! WE NEED YOU! ROGER...

(Roger hugs her, she hugs back slowly, but remains stiff. The other characters enter and gathered around Roger, gesturing toward the entryway to Fanfics.)

**ROGER:**

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME –

(points to alerts for MarkRoger slash)

UNDERSTAND, I'M SCARED... I NEED TO THINK...

**MARK:**

I KNOW AN AUTHOR OF CANON...

**ROGER:**

TO HELP US?

**MIMI:**

MAYBE... ROGER?

**ROGER:**

(weakly) OKAY.

(Mark exits.)

**MIMI:**

COME BACK, ROGER!

WE NEED YOU!

CAME TO SAY, WE LOVE YOU!

COME BACK!

(Roger fans from the support group join in.)

UST CAME TO SAY, WE LOVE YOU!

WE NEED YOU!

THINK ABOUT IT: COME BACK...

WE NEED... ROGER...!

(The Fanfic characters and Roger fans leave Roger alone, and he stands, utterly lost. Mark enters, trailed by Rajah, known as x Rajah x on the site)

**X RAJAH X:**

NOW, ROGER DEAREST, YOU SAID YOU NEED MY HELP HERE?

**MARK:**

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CANONFIC, RAJAH?

**X RAJAH X:**

(nodding) NONCANON'S SO WEIRD...

(A site admin enters and starts toward Roger.)

**X RAJAH X:**

(jumping in front of Roger defensively)

THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT A BOY

WHO'S ABOUT TO HAVE A HUGE REVELATION...!

YOU MUST KNOW, READING THIS PARODY

LIBRETTO OF MY CREATION!

**BENNY:**

(comes in, grabs admin)

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HIM,

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

(There is a moment of confusion, both about Benny's actions and about what Rajah has said.)

**MARK:**

MUST BE NICE TO HAVE

SOME POWER ON THE SITE.

**ROGER:**

NO SHIT!

**X RAJAH X:**

I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU, ROGER...

THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN A FANFIC ALL ALONG...

MY FANFIC, CALLED "THE DAY ROGER QUIT FANFICS".

**ROGER:**

(with a sigh, it seems, of acceptance)

I KNOW.

**X RAJAH X:**

YOU KNEW?

**ROGER:**

YEAH, I KINDA REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON...

BUT I UNDERSTAND NOW... AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

**MARK:**

YOU AREN'T STILL OUT OF FANFICS ARE YOU?

**X RAJAH X:**

(with a laugh) HE WAS NEVER OUT OF FANFICS AT ALL.

--

Sorry if the alignment's screwy. My D-manager went wacko on me.

Next chapter is the last!

THE FINALE!

:-o

DUN DUN DUN!!

REVIEW PLEASE!


	9. A Return, Reconciling, and Reuniting

:-(

This is it, guys.

(sniff, tear)

No really, the whole reason this fic got this far is you all. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Believe me, I thought it sucked and I was going to end up deleting it, but you kept on reviewing and being so nice and loving it… and that made me continue!

This has been fun. I'm going to miss updating it.

Enjoy the last chapter…

--

(x Rajah x has departed. We see Mark and Roger, alone. Roger looks absolutely terrified, but he also appears determined. Mark looks a little nervous but there is a touch of relief we sense from him. They both know that the end is near...)

**ROGER: **

(awkwardly addresses the fangirls)

Hi. Roger Davis here, in the somewhere-place. (He pauses as if unsure) Back in Fanfics again... coming up soon: (reads random alert slowly) 'Our favorite drag queen Angel and Mark and Roger have a hot threesome'... Oh my God, what am I doing? (sits down, face in his hands, overcome)

**MARK: **

(standing up suddenly)

DON'T GET TOO FREAKED,

DON'T SOB ALL DAY...

WE KNOW YOU'VE MISSED ROGGY

WHILE HE'S BEEN AWAY...

BUT THAT DRIP OF SHAME,

THAT TWINGE OF GUILT YOU FEEL,

WILL REMAIN UNLESS YOU GET REAL!

YOU'RE WRITING FANFICTION FOR RENT,

SOMETHING THAT YOU SURELY KNOW AND LOVE,

YOU'RE WRITING FANFICTION FOR RENT,

AND WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE,

WHEN WRITING FANFICTION FOR RENT,

WHILE JONATHAN WATCHES FROM UP ABOVE...

YOU WRITE WITH LOVE!

**ROGER: **

THE FILMMAKER'S NOT WITH ME!

**MARK: **

AND THE SONGWRITER'S WITH THE STRIPPER...

**ROGER: **

(distractedly) I DON'T SEE ROGERMIMIS ANYWHERE!

**MARK: **

(weirded out) I'M IN A HORRORFIC CALLED "MARK THE RIPPER"?

**ROGER: **

JUST TYPE ON THOSE KEYBOARDS!

**MARK: **

JUST LET YOUR IDEAS FLOW...

**ROGER: **

BUT PLEASE LET YOUR...

**BOTH: **

CANON LOVE SHOW!

YOU'RE WRITING FANFICTION WITH US,

WRITING STORIES EVERY SINGLE DAY,

YOU'RE WRITING FANFICTION WITH US...

AND NOW ROGER'S NOT AWAY,

SO WHEN YOU WRITE FANFICTION WITH US,

AND YOU CANNOT THINK OF WHAT TO SAY,

REMEMBER... THAT WE AREN'T GAY!

SO YOU OWN NOTHING

AND PUT A DISCLAIMER INSIDE...

BUT WHY SHOULD JLAR'S ORIGINAL

WORK HAVE TO HIDE?

**MARK: **

WHAT WAS IT ABOUT THOSE AWESOME CANONFICS?

**ROGER: **

(echoing) WHAT WAS IT ABOUT THOSE AWESOME CANONFICS?

**BOTH: **

TRUE LOVE - THE KIND THAT MADE US SING AND DANCE!

**MARK: **

FOR ONCE THE SUFFERING AND PAIN

GAVE WAY TO SOMETHING REAL...

**ROGER: **

(echoing) FOR ONCE THE SUFFERING AND PAIN

GAVE WAY TO SOMETHING REAL...

**BOTH: **

FOR ONCE HE (I) WASN'T IN MY (HIS) PLAID PANTS!

**MARK:**

CANON - WE NEED YOU –

RAJAH, AND OTHERS –

WE NEED YOUR HELP NOW!

**ROGER:**

MIMI - I NEED YOU –

RAJAH, AND OTHERS –

WRITE ROGERMIMI!

**MARK:**

MARKROGER?

NOPE. CALL ME A FUCK,

BUT I'M SICK OF BEING PAIRED

WITH MY BFF... YOU SUCK!

**ROGER:**

ONE FANFICTION?

SHITTY...? NOT I!

**BOTH:**

WE'RE IN FANFICTION FOR RENT,

AND WE USUALLY DON'T REALLY CARE,

WE'RE IN FANFICTION FOR RENT,

AND JONNY WATCHES FROM ABOVE,

BUT WITH CANONFICTION WRITTEN FOR RENT,

THE FANFIC WRITERS CAN ALL

SHOW THAT THEY TOO CARE...

WITH CANONFIC LOVE!

CANONFIC LOVE!

CANONFIC LOVE!

--

(It appears that some time has passed... we see Roger moping in the somewhere-place. He hasn't done a single RogerMimi since suddenly reentering fanfics. Rajah has been pushing for a steady flow of canonfics to help ease him back into the fandom smoothly and keep the tension under control, but to no avail. Some of the fangirls seem to be having a difficult time readjusting to Roger being back and forgiving him for leaving him like he did. It seems also, that Mimi has fallen into a deep depression, since the fans will not write RogerMimi despite Roger being back, and she's being forced into mostly angsty and tragic oneshots, alone. Roger sits, sadly, listening as alert chimes demanding the presence of characters throughout various loactions in the fandom chime.)

**ROGER AND MARK'S ALERT CHIMES:**

BEEEEEEEEP.

**X RAJAH X: **

ROGER, IT'S X RAJAH X!

ROGER, HONEY, I DON'T GET THESE FANGIRLS!

"ROGER LEFT US ALONE!"

"HE DESERVES THIS!"

"HE NEVER SAID SORRY!"

ROGER, WHAT CAN WE DO?

PLEASE THINK...

(The following chimes sound simultaneously)

**MIMI'S ALERT CHIME:**

(obviously a bitter fangirl)

MIMI, CHICA, ANOTHER ANGSTFIC –

WHERE ROGER - DOESN'T EXIST... THINK!

**JOANNE'S ALERT CHIME:**

JOANNE, WHEREVER ARE YOU... THINK...!

**ROGER AND MARK'S ALERT CHIME:**

MARK, ARE YOU THERE?

ARE YOU THERE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...

IS ROGER THERE?

(Roger almost answers the alert, but sighs and sits back down)

I'M TRYING EVERYTHING AND

WISHING THAT IT ALL WOULD JUST WORK...

ROGER, YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE,

OR SOMETHING... NO!

OH GOD, I DON'T KNOW!

THE FANGIRLS - THEY'RE CRAZY!

THEY WANTED YOU BACK –

AND NOW - OH GOD, I DON'T KNOW

I JUST... THINK OF A SOLUTION!

--

(Several hours later. Not much has changed. A group of fangirls is gathered outside the somewhere place.)

**FANGIRLS:**

ROGERFICS ARE CALLING,

ROGERFICS ARE CALLING,

ROGERFICS ARE CALLING...

YES, HE'S BACK!

BUT THINGS HAVE GONE ALL WACK!

NO ROGERFIC,

EVERYONE IS MAD,

NO ROGERMIMI,

NO FANGIRLS' SQUEES,

NO FORGIVENESS,

NO CHANGE, NO...-

**X RAJAH X:**

WRITE SOME ROGERMIMI!

**FANGIRLS:**

WE WON'T WRITE ROGERMIMI!

NO, ROGER HAS BETRAYED US

AND WE CAN'T WRITE - UNTIL HE SEES THE LIGHT!

(We shift to inside the somewhere-place. Roger can clearly hear what is going on outside with x Rajah x and the fangirls. He sighs dejectedly, waiting for Mimi to return from one of her angstfics.)

**MARK:**

STUCK IN THIS DUSTY

BLANK VERSION OF HELL,

WILL HE EVER BREAK FREE?

FOREVER SUBJECTED TO

THE FANGIRL SCORN...

TIME TO FIGURE - FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!

PUT YOUR THINKING CAP ON!

FIRST THOUGHT - ROGER,

TALKING IT OUT PEACEFULLY

WITH THE FANGIRLS WHO WE KNOW

STILL LOVE HIM - AND THEY'LL UNDERSTAND

AND BE GLEEFUL BECAUSE HE'S BACK...!

**ROGER:**

(sadly) …BACK IN FANFICS!

**MARK:**

BACK IN FANFICS,

BUT STILL NO ROGERMIMI.

**ROGER:**

IT SUCKS... IT REALLY SUCKS.

**MARK:**

AND BACK WITH ME, HAPPY AS CAN BE!

**ROGER:**

NO MARKROGER YET!

**MARK:**

WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY.

**ROGER:**

ME TOO, HOME DOG...

**MARK:**

(raises a glass to that)

IN HONOR OF THE FANFIC AUTHORS...-

**ROGER:**

FANGIRLS?

**MARK:**

(shaking head) AUTHORS...

WRITING ROGER OUT OF MY ROMANCE FANFICTION...!

(An alert chimes, asking for Mark and Roger to be in a gay romance story together.)

**ROGER:**

(dryly) THEN AGAIN, MAYBE I WON'T SEE MIMI TONIGHT.

**MARK:**

(suddenly forlorn)

I WONDER WHY THEY'LL

WRITE MARKROGER BUT NOT ROGERMIMI?

**ROGER:**

MAYBE 'CAUSE THEY WANT TO TORTURE ME...

(Collins enters.)

**COLLINS:**

BETTER YOU THAN ANGEL.

(We see that he is carrying a tub of Ben and Jerry's.)

**COLLINS:**

I HAD A LITTLE HUNCH;

YOU COULD USE MORE COOKIE DOUGH...

(tosses it to Roger)

**ROGER:**

ICE CREAM AGAIN?

**COLLINS:**

OH YES.

**MARK:**

(hopefully) ANY ICE CREAM FOR ME?

**COLLINS:**

NO NO NO...

BUT I REWIRED THE FANFICTION DOT NET SITE

TO TURN DOWN ALL MARKROGER SHIT TONIGHT

TO PROVIDE A LITTLE RELIEF TO MY

FRIENDS WHO WANT CANON...

**ROGER AND MARK:**

(dreamily) CANON...

(There is a noise as several shrieks are heard outside of the somewhere place. Collins runs over to the door and peeks out to see what's happening.)

**ROGER AND MARK:**

(expectantly) YES...?

**COLLINS:**

(shutting the door with a sigh) FAN - G - I - R - L - S.

(then continues) YET HACKING THE MAINFRAME

ISN'T THE SOLUTION.

THE POWERS OF NONCANON MUST BE TORN AWAY

WHERE THEY DWELL... AS WE CONVINCE THE

AUTHORS TO FLOOD THE SITE WITH CANON...

AND SEND ALL THE MARKROGERS TO HELL...

**ROGER, MARK AND COLLINS:**

LET'S HAVE A CANON FANFICTION

JUST FOR TODAY - SINCE NONCANON

IS TOTALLY WACK...

WE COULD TRY AND QUIT AND LEAVE ALL

OF IT FOR SOME UNKNOWN SITE FAR AWAY...

**ROGER:**

(with a twinge of irony)

BUT SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER

THEY'LL DRAG YOU BACK...

**ROGER, MARK, AND COLLINS:**

OHHHHH...-

(Suddenly, yells are heard from outside.)

**X RAJAH X:**

MARK?? ROGER?? ANYONE - HELP!!

(Quickly, Mark, Roger and Collins open the door and see that the fangirls are surrounding several figures. x Rajah x and Maureen are supporting a sobbing Mimi. Joanne lingers behind, looking pale and scared.)

**MAUREEN:**

(worriedly) IT'S MIMI –

THEY HURT HER JUST LIKE THEY HURT ANGEL!

**ROGER:**

(angrily) NO!

(They move aside and help x Rajah x and Maureen coax Mimi inside the door, ushering her through the jeering, angry fangirls.)

**MAUREEN:**

SHE WAS IN A FIC WITH ME –

MIMIOC... I WAS SECONDARY...

BUT I KNOW WHAT WENT ON...

**ROGER:**

(hearing her implications, says in exasperated tone)

OH COME ON! OH GOD... (hugs a crying Mimi to him)

**MIMI:**

(mumbling through her tears to Roger)

SOME RANDOM GUY...

AND THEY KILLED YOU...

MIMIOC...

**JOANNE:**

...AND THEN FANGIRLS WERE BITTER TO MIMI...!

**ROGER:**

(sadly realizes) BECAUSE OF ME...

**MIMI:**

(still crying hysterically) MIMIOC...

**MARK:**

(to Roger)

YOU CAN GIVE HER A MASSAGE,

AND SHE CAN HAVE THIS TO EAT... (holds up ice cream)

**COLLINS:**

I'M AFRAID THE PAIN'S NOT IN HER FEET...

**MIMI:**

(looks up at Roger)

DO SOMETHING.

**X RAJAH X:**

(indicating the screams of the fangirls still ringing from outside)

I COULD CALL FOR A SITE ADMIN, HONEY...

**MIMI:**

(hiccupping)

SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT THEY'LL

LEAVE ME... MIMI... ME...

**COLLINS:**

(opens the door)

HEY YOU - FANGIRLS...?

THEY'VE GOT PITCHFORKS!

**MIMI:**

(accepting a York peppermint patty from x Rajah x, still crying.)

MMM... I LOVE YORKS... (to Roger, through sadness)

WOULD YOU GET ME CHOCOLATE?

**ROGER:**

(obviously upset to see Mimi like this)

YES, I'LL... OH GOD...

(lazy)

MARK! FIND SOME CHOCOLATE!

(A hush falls over the group as Mimi sniffles and begins.)

**MIMI:**

I SHOULD TELL YOU I JUST HAD TO FUCK...

**ROGER:**

(wincing) SHH, I KNOW.

I SHOULD TELLYOU WHY I LEFT,

IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...-

**MIMI:**

I KNOW.

I SHOULD TELL YOU...

**ROGER:**

I SHOULD TELL YOU...

**MIMI:**

I SHOULD TELL YOU, I STILL LOVE YOU...

(bursts into more tears, crying harder than ever.)

(Something comes over Roger, and he stands slowly, gently leaving Mimi's side and going toward the door. The other characters and x Rajah x watch... in wonderment.)

**ROGER:**

(opens the door, seeing the fangirls, who stare at him, stupified, then start to leave awkwardly)

WHERE DO YOU YOU'RE GOING?

IT'S COLD OUTSIDE, LOOK SEE - IT'S SNOWING...

HANG ON, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD HEAR...

IT ISN'T MUCH, BUT NEVER FEAR...

(he clears his throat and the fangirls come closer, listening)

YOU GUYS - ... YOU SAID RELUCTANT GOODBYES,

AND PUT ME OUT OF YOUR MIND, BUT NOW I FIND,

I CAN'T HIDE... FROM YOU GUYS!

THE WAY YOU DID YOUR DREAMY SIGHS!

SURE, YOU KINDA SCREWED UP MY LIFE,

BUT HONESTLY, I LOVE YOU GUYS...

WE CAN'T LET RENT SLIP AWAY,

AND I STUPIDLY BETRAYED YOU!

NOW I SAY, STARTING TODAY...

I WILL FIGHT THE DAMAGE THAT FRAYED YOU,

I WILL NEVER AGAIN BETRAY YOU...

'CAUSE I FIGURED THIS OUT, YOU GUYS...

YOU MAY NOT ALWAYS BE SO WISE...

BUT I WAS IN A FANFICTION ALL ALONG!

AND BEFORE RENT DIES...

I SHOULD GIVE IN, I SHOULD GO OUT...

WRITE SOME ROGERMIMI...

'CAUSE I MISSED YOU GUYS...

(The fangirls, mouths hanging open, watch as Mimi, still crying, runs to Roger and hugs him.)

**ROGER:**

(happily, as she finally reconciles with him completely)

MIMI...!

(There is a long silent pause that falls over the whole group. The rest of the fanfic characters and x Rajah x file out of the somewhere-place and x Rajah x slinks off to check out the fandom. The other characters slowly approach the fangirls.)

**FANGIRL:**

(speaking up suddenly)

I HAVE TO LEAVE SOON.

**ROGER:**

(startled) WHAT?

**FANGIRL:**

(smiling, in sing-song voice)

TO WRITE SOME... ROGERMIMIIIIII!

**MIMI:**

(lovingly, wrapping her arms around Roger, accepting)

HE'S BACK!

**X RAJAH X:**

(running up to them, breathless)

I WAS IN THE FANDOM,

WATCHING ALL THE FANFICTION ALERTS...

**MAUREEN:**

OH MY GOD!

**X RAJAH X:**

(in joy) AND I SWEAR,

THERE WERE HOARDES OF PLOT BUNNIES THERE...

ALL CANON!

**COLLINS:**

(handing Mimi a box of Kleenex)

YOU'RE DRENCHED...

**MAUREEN:**

THE RIOTS ARE BREAKING...

**MARK:**

THERE MAY BE FANFICS,

SOME MAY BE SHIT...

**ROGER:**

BUT CANON'S HERE

SO LET'S ENJOY IT...!

**MIMI AND ROGER:**

(happily) IT'S ONLY US...

A FIC FOR A KISS...

A ROGERMIMI FIC...

WE CAN DEAL WITH IT...

**ALL:**

NO MARKROGER,

NO MIMIMAUREEN...

THE GREATEST FICS WE'VE SEEN!

(As the solution finally falls over the whole fandom, everyone: characters, fans, authors, plot bunnies alike, gathers outside the somewhere place, hugging and rejoicing. The following parts are sung simultaneously as everyone pleads that the fandom remain pure and strong.)

**AUTHORS:**

I CAN'T CONTROL,

MY PLOT BUNNIES,

I TRUST MY MUSE,

TO JUSTLY USE,

THE CANON YOU SEE...

WITHOUT ROGER,

THE HAND TYPES,

THE EAR BLEEDS,

THE PULSE SLOWS,

FICS GO ON,

BUT RENT'S GONE,

'CAUSE RENT DIES, WITHOUT ROGER!

RENT DIES WITHOUT ROGER!

RENT DIES WITHOUT ROGER!

RENT DIES WITHOUT ROGER!

RENT DIES WITHOUT ROGER!

RENT DIES WITHOUT ROGER!

CANON FICS TODAY!

**FANFIC CHARACTERS:**

WILL YOU USE US CAREFULLY?

WILL YOU USE CARE? WILL YOU

GIVE US CANON FICS, NOT SLASH NIGHTMARES?

THERE'S ONLY FICS,

THERE'S ONLY FANS,

SO KEEP RENT ALIVE AS BEST AS YOU CAN,

NO MARKROGER WHERE GOOD CANONFICS ARE...

RESPECT OUR JLAR!

RESPECT OUR JLAR!

RESPECT OUR JLAR!

RESPECT OUR JLAR!

WRITE CANONFIC TODAY!!

_THE END_

--

OO

It's over?

How can this be?

(sobs hysterically) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

:) REVIEW PLEASE!

Thanks again for all the support. Be on the lookout for a new humor fic soon… dundundun!


	10. Epilogue: Canon Fics!

Hey!

If you're WTFing, so am I.

I just… thought the fic needed a little epilogue type deal.

And Stephanie Pascal (thanks, Steph!) reminded me that I didn't use Love Heals, so here we go.

Please enjoy.

And read my note at the end, it's important.

* * *

(We see the Fanfic Characters gathered together in celebration.)

**MAUREEN:**  
LIKE A BREATH OF CLEAN, FRESH AIR.

LIKE A SMALL WISH, LIKE A PRAYER.

**ANGEL:**  
LIKE THE PANG YOU FEEL

WHEN TRUE LOVE IS REVEALED!

**ANGEL & MAUREEN:**  
NOT A FIC THAT'S A BORE!  
LIKE ONES YOU'VE READ

A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE!  
LIKE WRITING'S NOT A CHORE!  
CANON FICS!

**JOANNE:**  
THERE ARE FICS THAT SOUND CLICHE  
IN WHICH THE LOVE IS STRIPPED AWAY.

**ROGER:**  
AND STRANGE FUCKED UP

PAIRINGS THAT MAKE US SICK.

**JOANNE & ROGER:**  
SOME AUTHORS HAVE LOST THEIR SIGHT

BUT WITH LOVE AND HOPE

WE CAN TRY TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT  
CANONFIC AUTHORS, WRITE!

**ALL:**  
CANON FICS!

**ROGER:**  
WHEN YOUR MARKROGER FIC'S TOO LONG!

**ALL:**  
CANON FICS!

**MIMI:**  
HOLD OUT FOR CANON  
IT'LL KEEP YOU STRONG  
**  
ALL:**  
CANON FICS!

**MAUREEN:**  
EVEN WHEN YOU THINK

YOU REALLY CAN'T GO ON...

**ALL:**  
CANON FICS!

**ANGEL:**  
JUST WAIT FOR CANON  
IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE HOME.  
MAUREEN & MIMI:  
CANON FICS, WHEN SLASH'S TOO MUCH TO BEAR!  
WHEN YOU REACH OUT FOR LOVE  
AND ONLY RANDOM SEX IS THERE!

**ROGER & MARK:**  
IT SEEMS UNFAIR  
'CAUSE THINGS LIKE US

AREN'T MEANT TO BE  
**  
COLLINS & ANGEL:**  
BUT CANON FICS ARE NO TROUBLE AT ALL  
NOT A ONE-NIGHT STAND  
NOT A FLING OR SOMETHING SMALL!  
**  
JOANNE & MAUREEN:**  
WHEN YOU READ FICS THAT ARE TRUE!  
THAT'S WHAT CANON CAN DO!  
AND WE WON'T FEEL USED...OR HOPELESSLY SCREWED!

**MIMI:**  
SO IF YOU FEAR THE SLASH AHEAD...

**ANGEL:**  
AND YOU END UP WITH YOUR BFF IN BED!  
**  
MIMI AND ROGER:**  
AND THE ONE YOU WANT'S NOT THERE TO GIVE YOU LOVE  
AUTHOR'S MINDS, YOU'LL FIND  
ARE QUITE SICK.

**BENNY:**

(entering, looking sad)  
WELL, I'VE DONE THINGS I REGRET  
BUT I HAVEN'T COMPLETELY FAILED YET...  
'CAUSE...

**ALL:**  
PLEASE WRITE US  
PLEASE WRITE US  
PLEASE WRITE US  
PLEASE WRITE US  
PLEASE WRITE US  
WRITE US SOME  
CANON FICS  
CANON FICS  
CANON FICS  
CANON FICS  
CANON FICS!

* * *

Alright. This time I promise it's actually the end.

But hey, I've been thinking… what if there was a sequel?

I always fear writing sequels, because I'm afraid of ruining the first.

BUT!

I love this fic and writing it so much, that it's very tempting.

So… what if I wrote another fic like this, with tunes from another musical?

Like Aida, Sweeney Todd, tick, tick… BOOM!, or maybe another.

Thoughts?


	11. PSA: Sequel Now Exists!

Hello, readers!

If you haven't already, it's not too late to check out the sequel to this, which is now three chapters in. It's called The Day Mary Sue Entered Fanfics, and I'm having just as much fun with it.

I understand, I'm doing something of a shameless promo with this plug, and I'll take this down in a little bit, since it's not really a chapter.

I'm merely inquiring about it to pique your interest.

:D Hope to hear from you soon!


End file.
